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Awesome New Gaming Titles for 2003
(A sneak preview exclusive!!!)

by B. Russell

Tony Hawk's Pro Accounting
World-famous skateboarder Tony Hawk lends his name to yet another product on the market, this time in the trick-wheeling world of accounting. It's gameplay is similar to that of other spreadsheet/database programs... okay, it's Quicken. But Tony Hawk is on the box cover, and he's busting mad air. Awesome!

Diablo II Expanded Expansion:
Diablo is Still Fucking Dead

The upcoming expansion expansion pack, Diablo II EE, follows the rise of a new dark power who, like Baal, is also not Diablo. His name, in fact, is Mr. Sparkles, and he's got tentacles and crab-claws. He's evil. You can combat him using the traditional character classes or try one of the three new additions: Overworked Policeman, Naked Woman With Boobs, and Lowly Commoner. Each new character class is complemented with a new assortment of unique weapons, equipment and items, except for the Lowly Commoner who has to use the same peasant rags and pitchfork exclusively throughout. Gameplay is similar to earlier versions: kill things over and over until you get powerful enough to kill Mr. Sparkles, and as a reward you have to start at the beginning again but at a greater difficulty level. Beat it on "Hell" level and guess what? You've just played the same game three times! Congratulations, you're the big winner.

Jackass: The Game
This title is being released exclusively for the XBox, for some reason. (Evil Microsoft bastards with their stupid market leverage!) In this game you get to play Johnny Knoxville. Your goal is to take your XBox and slam yourself repeatedly in the nuts with it. (If you don't have those, substitute "nuts" with "ovaries".) You will do this because you know this is the next level in crude humor and because Johnny Knoxville wants you to try this at home. You know you loove it, bitch.

The Sims: XXX Home Movies
The makers of The Sims have finally realized that the only reason anyone plays this game is to see their character's hot pixel bodies naked when they go to the john. So the newest addition to this domestic reality game series allows you to take on the profession of Scumball, making friends with your cash-scrapped neighbors and then inviting them into your living room to shoot amateur porn. Finally, you can force your virtual likenesses to perform all the vile things you've dreamed of! Pervert. If only you could do the same in reality with that hot number next door. She's been checking you out, and she's taken good care of her body for a mother of three.

Pikmin II: Die Pikmin Die
In this Pikmin sequel, you play a giant boot. The object of the game is to kill all of those annoying Pikmin before they manage to help that stupid-ass alien rebuild his spaceship. This is the greatest game ever.

UltimEverquest Online
With this newest release, the two largest online roleplaying games are merging into one. Yay. Having so many people on the same network at once, along with adding enhanced graphics and sounds to create "an even more rich, immersive virtual landscape" guarantees you countless hours of the slowest, most backlogged and irritating gameplay ever! As in the other two games, you will take on the online persona of a watered-down Dungeons and Dragons character, going on quests and repeatedly killing monsters bla bla. But the difference is there will be more strangers than ever playing alongside you, saying things like "l33t" and "sw33t, dud3" right before they PK you and take your stuff. And hey, doesn't gaming with the biggest retards on the planet all at once sound like the ultimate generic online roleplaying experience? It does to me. But then again, I'm a big fat idiot. Like you.


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