Awesome New Gaming Titles for 2003
(A sneak preview exclusive!!!)
by B. Russell
Tony Hawk's Pro Accounting
World-famous skateboarder Tony Hawk lends his name to yet another
product on the market, this time in the trick-wheeling world of
accounting. It's gameplay is similar to that of other
spreadsheet/database programs... okay, it's Quicken. But Tony Hawk
is on the box cover, and he's busting mad air. Awesome!
Diablo II Expanded Expansion:
Diablo is Still Fucking Dead
The upcoming expansion expansion pack, Diablo II EE, follows
the rise of a new dark power who, like Baal, is also not Diablo.
His name, in fact, is Mr. Sparkles, and he's got tentacles and
crab-claws. He's evil. You can combat him using the traditional
character classes or try one of the three new additions:
Overworked Policeman, Naked
Woman With Boobs, and Lowly Commoner. Each new character class is complemented
with a new assortment of unique weapons, equipment and items, except for the
Lowly Commoner who has to use the same peasant rags and pitchfork
Gameplay is similar to earlier versions: kill things over and over
until you get powerful enough to kill Mr. Sparkles, and as a reward
you have to start at the beginning again but at a greater difficulty level.
Beat it on "Hell" level and guess what? You've just played the same game
three times! Congratulations, you're the big winner.
Jackass: The Game
This title is being released exclusively for the XBox, for some reason.
(Evil Microsoft bastards with their stupid market leverage!) In this game
you get to play Johnny
Knoxville. Your goal is to take your XBox and slam yourself
repeatedly in the nuts with it. (If you don't have those, substitute "nuts"
with "ovaries".) You will do this because you know this is
the next level in crude humor and because Johnny Knoxville wants you to
try this at home. You know you loove it, bitch.
The Sims: XXX Home Movies
The makers of The Sims have finally realized that the only reason
anyone plays this game is to see their character's hot pixel bodies
naked when they go to the john. So the newest addition to this
domestic reality game series allows you to take on the profession of
friends with your cash-scrapped neighbors and then inviting them into
your living room to shoot amateur porn. Finally, you can force your
virtual likenesses to perform all the vile things you've dreamed of! Pervert.
If only you could do the same in reality with that hot number next door.
She's been checking you out, and she's taken good care of her body for a
mother of three.
Pikmin II: Die Pikmin Die
In this Pikmin sequel, you play a giant boot. The object of the game is
to kill all of those annoying Pikmin before they manage to help
that stupid-ass alien rebuild his spaceship. This is the greatest game ever.
With this newest release, the two largest online roleplaying games are merging
into one. Yay. Having so many people on the same network at once,
along with adding enhanced graphics and sounds to create "an even more
rich, immersive virtual landscape" guarantees you
countless hours of the slowest, most backlogged and irritating gameplay ever!
As in the other two games, you will take on the online persona of a watered-down
Dungeons and Dragons character, going on quests and repeatedly killing
monsters bla bla. But the difference is there will be more strangers than ever playing
alongside you, saying things like
"l33t" and "sw33t, dud3" right before they PK you and take your stuff.
And hey, doesn't gaming with the biggest retards on the planet
all at once sound like the ultimate generic online roleplaying
experience? It does to me. But then again, I'm a big fat idiot. Like you.
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