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The Untimely Demise of Our Favorite X-Men
by Bayard Russell


Wolverine:  While vacationing in Hawaii, Wolverine discovered that his mutant healing ability was not quite fast enough to deal with molten lava, and his clever idea to surf down a volcano seemed not such a clever idea after all.  But then he came back to life somehow, because X-Men fans just adore that angsty little jackass.  Whatever.

Gambit:  While watching his favorite cajun mutant porn, Gambit discovered that his mutant ability to supercharge small objects included his own genitalia.  A short time after the incident Gambit, whose nickname was cleverly changed to "Stubby," retired from service.

Cyclops:  Because everybody hates goody-two-shoes anyway, the X-Men writers decided to kill off Cyclops on their own, saving me the trouble.  That's too bad, because I was hoping to have him drown in his own feces.

Rogue:  As the years went by, sexual frustration heightened Rogue's ability to drain other mutant's powers, until one day in the shower Rogue discovered the meaning of "the bad touch."  What happens, exactly, when someone drains the mutant powers and lifeforce from oneself?  It is suspected that Rogue is now trapped in an alternate dimension with John Malkovich.

The Beast:  Mistakened by Gargemel as an extremely large smurf, The Beast was cooked into smurf stew and eaten.  The meal was so large that even Bigmouth couldn't finish it all.

Professor X:  Professor Xavier found out the hard way that not all minds are safe to probe.  While mindsurfing on the Cerebro in his spare time, Xavier probed into the inner thoughts of Quentin Tarantino, and his head exploded.

Storm:  After successfully blowing down Magneto's fortress of straw and of sticks, Storm was completely unable to blow down the fortress of brick.  Despite her many pleas to "let her in," Magneto refused to budge, claiming that his chin hairs wouldn't allow it.  Completely discouraged with the superhero racket, Storm went into showbusiness, co-starring as "the loveable but ditzy mutant older sister" on Moesha.

Archangel:  Hit by a plane.  'Nuff said.

Jean Gray:  Does anyone give a f*ck about Jean Gray?  I don't know, she gets hit by a truck or something.  And then Magneto reanimates her corpse to do sexy lap dances for Sabretooth.

Jubilee:  If you didn't give a f*ck about Jean Gray, you really don't give a f*ck about Jubilee.  What is her power again, she throws confetti at people or something?  She also gets hit by a truck.

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