The Untimely Demise of Our Favorite X-Men
by Bayard Russell
Wolverine: While vacationing in Hawaii, Wolverine
discovered that his mutant healing ability was not quite fast enough to
deal with molten lava, and his clever idea to surf down a volcano seemed
not such a clever idea after all. But then he came back to life somehow,
because X-Men fans just adore that angsty little jackass. Whatever.
Gambit: While watching his favorite cajun
mutant porn, Gambit discovered that his mutant ability to supercharge small
objects included his own genitalia. A short time after the incident
Gambit, whose nickname was cleverly changed to "Stubby," retired from service.
Cyclops: Because everybody hates goody-two-shoes
anyway, the X-Men writers decided to kill off Cyclops on their own, saving
me the trouble. That's too bad, because I was hoping to have him
drown in his own feces.
Rogue: As the years went by, sexual frustration
heightened Rogue's ability to drain other mutant's powers, until one day
in the shower Rogue discovered the meaning of "the bad touch." What
happens, exactly, when someone drains the mutant powers and lifeforce from
oneself? It is suspected that Rogue is now trapped in an alternate
dimension with John Malkovich.
The Beast: Mistakened by Gargemel as an extremely
large smurf, The Beast was cooked into smurf stew and eaten. The
meal was so large that even Bigmouth couldn't finish it all.
Professor X: Professor Xavier found out the
hard way that not all minds are safe to probe. While mindsurfing
on the Cerebro in his spare time, Xavier probed into the inner thoughts
of Quentin Tarantino, and his head exploded.
Storm: After successfully blowing down Magneto's
fortress of straw and of sticks, Storm was completely unable to blow down
the fortress of brick. Despite her many pleas to "let her in," Magneto
refused to budge, claiming that his chin hairs wouldn't allow it.
Completely discouraged with the superhero racket, Storm went into showbusiness,
co-starring as "the loveable but ditzy mutant older sister" on Moesha.
Archangel: Hit by a plane. 'Nuff said.
Jean Gray: Does anyone give a f*ck about
Jean Gray? I don't know, she gets hit by a truck or something.
And then Magneto reanimates her corpse to do sexy lap dances for Sabretooth.
Jubilee: If you didn't give a f*ck about
Jean Gray, you really don't give a f*ck about Jubilee. What
is her power again, she throws confetti at people or something? She
also gets hit by a truck.
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