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I'm a Well-Rounded Type of Guy
by The Westerner

Hey, I'm a well rounded type of guy, you know.  A lot of people tell me I'm an insensitive, narrow-minded asshole, and I'm like, what's up with that?  Can't a guy take a piss on a homeless person without being called names?  We left grade school about 50 years ago, people.  At least.

One thing I can't stand is when people start talking about how I'm trapped in the western point of view.  Look guys, westerners don't all see things the same way, what a narrow-minded thing to think.  All those slanty-eyes think that their world view is so different from mine, but it really isn't.  They just have different names for it than I do.  For instance, they call it Buddhism.  I call it Stupid.  Or Confucianism.  My particular name for the view is A Crock-Load of Shit.  It's really just an issue of semantics.  You know, you say tomato, I say Yo Mama.

And the fact is, I'm an open-minded type of guy that likes to try new things.  Take Tao, for instance.  I did her once.  She wasn't bad.  A little simple-minded, but not bad.  Or that new-fangled fad they call tantra.  I tried that once, and I lasted a good half-hour that time.  Ooooh-wee!  Never doing that again, no sireee.  Sex shouldn't ever take longer than it takes to get your burgers at a drive-through, that's my motto.

A lot of people think that I'm hostile to the environmentalists.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I think the environment is great, and I intend to preserve it.  Like in a museum.  With air conditioning.  The vegetarians always get on my back too, calling me an animal-hater.  Hey I love animals.  I even bought a propane grill in my backyard in their honor.

But don't get me started on those people who keep saying the world is round.  Those guys really piss me off.

Anyway, I think it's all a big case of misunderstanding of other people's part.  If they really took the time to understand where I'm coming from, they'd realize that I'm right and they're wrong.  Basically, what I'm trying to say is that people shouldn't think that I don't respect their point of view.  I respect their point of view plenty.  If people want to be idiots, I'm not about to stop them.  They're all going to burn in hell anyway.

Speaking of burning, I better go check the grill.  I think that baby seal's going to be a tad overcooked.

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