I'm a Well-Rounded Type of Guy
by The Westerner
Hey, I'm a well rounded type of guy, you know. A lot of people
tell me I'm an insensitive, narrow-minded asshole, and I'm like, what's
up with that? Can't a guy take a piss on a homeless person without
being called names? We left grade school about 50 years ago, people.
One thing I can't stand is when people start talking about how I'm trapped
in the western point of view. Look guys, westerners don't all see
things the same way, what a narrow-minded thing to think. All those
slanty-eyes think that their world view is so different from mine, but
it really isn't. They just have different names for it than I do.
For instance, they call it Buddhism. I call it Stupid. Or Confucianism.
My particular name for the view is A Crock-Load of Shit. It's really
just an issue of semantics. You know, you say tomato, I say Yo Mama.
And the fact is, I'm an open-minded type of guy that likes to try new
things. Take Tao, for instance. I did her once. She wasn't
bad. A little simple-minded, but not bad. Or that new-fangled
fad they call tantra. I tried that once, and I lasted a good half-hour
that time. Ooooh-wee! Never doing that again, no sireee.
Sex shouldn't ever take longer than it takes to get your burgers at a drive-through,
that's my motto.
A lot of people think that I'm hostile to the environmentalists.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I think the environment
is great, and I intend to preserve it. Like in a museum. With
air conditioning. The vegetarians always get on my back too, calling
me an animal-hater. Hey I love animals. I even bought a propane
grill in my backyard in their honor.
But don't get me started on those people who keep saying the world is
round. Those guys really piss me off.
Anyway, I think it's all a big case of misunderstanding of other people's
part. If they really took the time to understand where I'm coming
from, they'd realize that I'm right and they're wrong. Basically,
what I'm trying to say is that people shouldn't think that I don't respect
their point of view. I respect their point of view plenty.
If people want to be idiots, I'm not about to stop them. They're
all going to burn in hell anyway.
Speaking of burning, I better go check the grill. I think that
baby seal's going to be a tad overcooked.
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