"My student," said the master, "how can you breathe when there is no passage between you and the air?"  "My master," said the student, "how can the air breathe when there is no passage between it and you?"

Wise words from a wise guy.

An essential exercise for any Zen master attempting to reach the next plane of existence is the careful grooming of his nose hairs.  One may say that this activity is inconsequential, but in the way of all things, great matters must be taken lightly, but small matters must be taken seriously.  How can one breathe circularly when the circle is interrupted with unsightly overgrown nosehairs?  How can one properly meditate using breathing exercises when one cannot properly breathe?  While you are pondering these questions, go out and buy a nosehair trimmer, you look nasty.

For best results, use a Wahl EZ-Trim electric nosehair trimmer.  You can pick one up at any convenience store.  It is more Zen to use a rotary blade because the spinning of the blade is the circularity of the breathing you seek.  The paradox of using an unnatural thing to enable a natural thing to function is the paradox of the ever-changing dance between man and machine.  And it's a lot less painful than using a tweezer.  Always one should contemplate these things on the path of the Zen master.

Before trimming, set a plain cloth mat on the ground.  Set your Zen meditative tools, i.e. the candles, incense, and Buddha figurines you bought at Earthwares Inc., in a small circle around you.  Don't have any candles right below you, though, because you don't want to have those dangling nose-hairs catch fire.  You will also need a wide-brimmed jar.  Sit cross-legged on the mat with the jar and the trimmer before you.  Now, meditate.  Attempt to do breathing exercises now.  Notice how it is hard to breathe from your nose because of those nasty overgrown nosehairs, and contemplate this.  Are you done yet?  Then we will continue.

Now it is time to trim.  Hold the trimmer in the right hand, and turn it on with the left.  You should hear the quiet buzzing of the trimmer, like the buzzing of the smallest fly when it passes one's ear.  Wait, it's not buzzing?  You forgot the batteries, ass-munch.  Go to the convenience store again and buy some batteries, and put them in the trimmer, and we can start again.  Patience is a virtue in the way of Zen.  As a wise man once said:

"Ooga Booga."   --Proverb

Now, insert the buzzing trimmer into your right nostril.  Hear the cutting of your nose hairs, like the felling of trees in the deep forest.  Feel the passage opening up as the blade turns, like the machete opening a path through the Vietnam jungle.  Push the end of the trimmer deep inside the nostril, then pull it out, and push it inside again to find the stray nosehairs that you missed.  Yeah, that's right.  In, out.  In, out.  Doesn't that feel good?  In, out.  In, out.  Yes, that does feel nice.  In, out.  Oh yes, that feels good.  In, out.  In, out.  Harder, push it in harder!  You want it deep inside you!  In, out, in, out.  Yes, oh, yes, yes, Yes, YES, OH YES, OH GOD YES, GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME DADDY!!!!  OOOUUNNNGHHHHH!!!!!

Now repeat for the left nostril.

Do this trimming above the mouth of the wide-brimmed jar.  You will not throw the hairs away, but collect them in this jar to ponder.  After you are done trimming, close the jar and lay it before you.  Meditate again.  Notice that you can now do your breathing exercises in the proper way because all that gunk from your nose is out.  Gaze at the jar.  Pet the jar.  It is from removing a part of oneself that one gains a part of oneself.  But that part, as in all things, does not go way, it merely changes purpose.  As it is for nosehairs, such is the way of all things.  After you ponder this for a time, put the jar away.  You may want to cover the jar with something if guests are coming over.

Nosehair trimming is essential in the way of Zen, so do not forget.  Incorporate this practice into your regular meditative cleansings.  That is all for now.  Next week, we will be discussing how to collect your dander in a jar so that you may reuse it to make calligraphy paper.
 

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 The index is the way of the Zen, you whore