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A Heartfelt Plea To The American People
by Senator Ted Kennedy

 Hi, Senator Ted Kennedy here. I've spent most of my life working for you, the American public in general and more specifically the people of the great state of Massachusetts. Today, I come before you to garner your support for a bill I have recently introduced into committee in the House of Representatives. I believe this bill to be a strong step forward into the future of America. It supports American values and rights wrongs that we have previously made as a nation in our ignorance. The bill which I have introduced jointly along with the other Representatives and Senators of the great state of Massachusetts transcends party differences and is a force of unification for our nation and our government. The piece of legislation I am referring to is Bill 876, known more commonly as the Rhode Island Act.

 The intent of this bill is to improve the state of Rhode Island on numerous levels. First and most importantly, I think there has been a lot of confusion regarding the name of the state itself. Despite my extensive research I have been unable to determine exactly why the founders of the state chose to name it Rhode Island. Whether this was a misunderstanding on their part, a joke, or a choice made out of simple ignorance I do not know. What I do know is that the very name Rhode Island flies in the face not only of all that is American, but all that is just the world over. You see, my friends, Rhode Island is, in fact, not an island at all. I know many of you are shocked to hear this and I myself was stunned as I had lived well over 50 years of my life ignorant of this fact. Therefore, the most primary element of the legislation I have introduced is a rectification of this situation. What I propose is that we pull together as a nation and open our hearts and a small measure of government funding for Rhode Island. The practical effect of this national goodwill is that Rhode Island will see a trench dug along its entire border with the rest of the United States. The trench would be roughly 50 feet across and 100-200 feet deep whatever depth further studies show to be most practical. This would on a basic level render Rhode Island an actual island and clear up much of the confusion regarding this wonderful state.

 After the initial construction of the trench, we would erect barbed wire fences thirty feet tall on the mainland side. These fences would then have a 200 volt electric current run through them at all times of the day and night. This may sound excessive to some, but studies show that it takes this kind of voltage to kill a human being on contact and we wouldn't want the poor bastards flopping around on American soil. It would just be cruel. In addition to the fences, the trench itself will be filled with genetically engineered great white sharks with a taste for human flesh. The sharks themselves would be kept inside the confines of the trench by two large titanium mesh nets placed at either end.

 Subsequent to the erection of the electric fences and the introduction of the sharks to the Rhode Island waters, all bridges linking Rhode Island to the mainland would be blown up by a fleet of stealth bombers. Honestly, we don't really need the bombers, we could get by with just regular demolition crews, but the bombers are so damned neat and Pay-Perview has already put in a bid for exclusive rights to air the video feed of the operation, so it would practically pay for itself.

 Now, although I said all the bridges would be blown up, there would actually be one bridge left open. This bridge would be heavily guarded at all times by members of the Navy Seals and the Green Beret Corps. In order to enter the United States from Rhode Island, a Rhode Island citizen would be required to present a valid passport as well as guess correctly in a guard-supervised coin toss. Failure to meet the coin-toss standards would result in the traveler's immediate execution by gunshot, electrification against the fence or being thrown into the shark trench. Whatever the guards feel like at the time.

 In addition to these improvement measures, the United States would begin an aggressive program to combat violent crimes on its soil by shipping all violent criminals to Rhode Island where they will be released into Rhode Island state custody. By this of course, I mean that they would be surreptitiously deposited on the shores of Rhode Island in the dead of night by crack Seal infiltration teams.

 Finally, with all these improvements in place, Rhode Island would lose its status as a state. Instead, it would become a new territory of the United States of America. Now, while some have called my measures in the improvement of Rhode Island harsh and heavy-handed, I point to this section of the bill as a prime example of my willingness to compromise on this issue in order to see results. The original plan was to lump Rhode Island in with Puerto Rico as a single territory, but concerns were presented by my colleagues and I listened. As it stands now, I think that this bill for the development of Rhode Island is a shining light of bipartisan cooperation and the realization of the dreams and hardwork of any number of honest American citizens. Thus, I think I speak for all the people of America and most especially the citizens of the great state of Massachusetts when I say; please support Bill 876, the Rhode Island Act, because making Rhode Island into an territorial penal colony surrounded by sharks would be wicked awesome.

 Ted Kennedy would like to make the index a territory as well