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Ineffective Ways of Committing Suicide, if Suicide Were An Acceptable Alternative To Apathy
by Bayard Russell

Suicide is generally considered an unacceptable escape from our droll, meaningless lives, especially for those of us who are too apathetic do actually do it.  Burning-in-hell issues aside, the act of suicide, while being a great attention-getter, has the unfortunate side-effect of being dead after the show's over.  So why not drag out the hari kari by picking a deliberately ineffective methodology?  You live longer, you still get the desperately needed personal attention, and you might even get a few laughs.  And isn't it your goal in life to bring laughter into the world?  It must be, because you're damned good at it.

The Soft Pillow

Hitting yourself hard on the head with a hard object is a pretty good way to kill yourself.  Hitting yourself softly with a soft object?  Now that takes skill.  I figure that you kill a few brain cells every time you get hit in the head with a pillow, so a trillion or so hits later, you can kiss your life goodbye.  So start smacking!  (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!)

The History Channel

I learned that from the age 30 or so, our brains start to rot.  Yes, rot.  Eventually it gets so bad that around age 80 we start acting like little kids again because the grown-up part of us has rotted away.  So the way I figure, watching extensive amounts of The History Channel should hasten the process.  Nothing like boring history documentaries to decompose our neural networks.  Another tip for getting your brain to rot:  Instead of keeping it in the fridge, leave it out in a warm, moist area in an open container.

Mountain Dew

Recent studies have shown that Mountain Dew, everyone's favorite extreme sport carbonated sugar water, kills more brain cells that cocaine.  Do the Dew!  This gives me newfound respect for the drink, as well as explains the Mountain Dew commercials, which were obviously written by people who had sampled just a tad bit too much of their own product.  So if Mountain Dew kills brain cells and so does cocaine, when their powers combine they should be unstoppable!!!  I would recommend a strict regimen of Mountain Dew and cocaine, followed by a few taped episodes of The Real World.

Cute Little Babies

Granted, picking a fight with a cute little baby probably won't result in a fist fight.  Even less likely that you'll lose that fight and be beaten to death.  The baby will probably just start crying its cute little eyes out and wet its diapers.  But I figure that it's all probability.  Chances are that some baby is going to hit you if you pick a fight with it, so you'll have to pick a fight with a lot of 'em.  How many babies is it going to take to be beaten to death?  You might want to pick a fight with a whole truckload of babies, and you might want to not give any of them their milk beforehand so they'll be a little feisty.  If nothing else, you'll have the chance of suffocating underneath all those babies when the truck dumps them out on you.

Jumping From Increasingly Dangerous Heights

A lot of suicide novices go ahead and jump off the highest building they can find, and find themselves dead right at the start.  But the experts know how to take it slow and enjoy the ride.  Why start high when you can start low?  On day one, jump off a one-foot cliff.  The next day, try a 2-foot cliff.  Start small and work your way up to a truly mortal plummet.  Eventually you're going to fall to your doom, so why not draw it out a little bit?  Suicide is not a destination, it's a journey.

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