Stupid-Ass Things People Are Proud Of
by Bayard Russell
People bolster their self-esteem in the most pathetic ways sometimes.
I'm not talking about the usual objects of ego-bolstering like expensive
cars, fancy clothing, trophy wives, Grammys or the like: we all know
that these things really do show the worth of a person. But
there are plenty of odd things I've seen people be proud, snobby, and condescending
about, and I'd like to bitch about a few of them that disturbed me greatly.
Their dump-to-being-dumped ratio
I've heard people brag about how many people they've dumped.
Evidently it's important that you've dumped more people than you've been
dumped if you should count as "a good catch." If the ratio's about
1:1, that's reasonable, but people are damned proud if it's 2:1 or greater.
Look, failed relationships are failed relationships, regardless of who
was the first to reject the other in the end. If you've got enough
failed relationships to have a DTBD ratio, you've got nothing to
The resolution of their computer monitor
There's no snobbery more strange than geek snobbery. I once had
this guy look at my computer monitor and say, "That's hideous! What
resolution are you using?!" I told him I was using 640x480 because
the larger type gives you less eyestrain, and he turned up his nose.
"How can you stand having everything being so huge? There's no desktop
space to work with at all!" I asked if he was used to 800x600, and
he said, "Oh God no, I only use 1024x768." I told him that his insistence
on higher screen resolution was compensation for you-know-what.
How oppressed their minority group is
I once had a conversation with a black man and at some point we got
on the topic of race. I said that I was a minority because I'm half-Chinese,
and he replied, "You're not really a minority because you're not really
oppressed. Chinese people are all smart and hard-working and rich."
He insisted that his minority had it way tougher than my privileged
one. The last thing I want to do is get in a competition with someone
about whose minority group is more oppressed. There are plenty of
rich white gangsta wannabes that would love to be in your shoes.
On a side note, I think poor white trash are the most screwed people out
there. They get all the "benefits" of a minority group without any
of the political perks.
How much more screwed they are
Every time it rolls around to finals time, I seek out my fellow classmates
for support and sympathy, only to find brutal one-upmanship. When
I whine about how much work I have left to do, they say, "Oh, that's nothing
compared to the work I have left. I am soooo much more screwed than
you are, believe me." What the hell? Is there a sick Protestant
work ethic pride thing mixed with sleep deprivation masochism going on
here? I find these people almost as annoying as the people that like
to tell you they don't have any finals.
Being picky eaters
Some people are incredibly proud of how picky they are when it comes
to food. I can understand how some people's digestion problems can
give them certain diet restrictions, and I can even understand how one's
ideals can put severe limits as to which foods are kosher: after
all, being a Satan worshipper I'm pretty much limited to goat's blood and
rice. But some people don't eat most types of food because they don't
think it's good enough for them. They won't eat generic-brand food,
they won't eat most vegetables, they won't eat weird bread with seeds on
them or meat that's not de-boned, bla bla bla. It's like they think
their lips are velvet ropes at Club 54 where only the select few may enter.
These same people then have to take vitamin supplements to compensate for
their imbalanced diet. Broaden your taste horizons, baby, I've got
a sausage here you might like.
moms choose the index