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Do You Smell What The Rock is Cooking?
by The Rock

Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? Well, do you?!?!? Smells pretty good doesn't it! That's because today the Rock is cooking a delicious bouillabaisse followed by chicken catchiatorre, pansies! Stone Cold Steve Austin may think his cream puffs are divine, but you and The Rock know the truth! You and The Rock know that nothing smells better than what The Rock is cooking!

Since he started the bouillabaisse on last week's show, The Rock just wanted to show you what that should look like when you're done. This week, on Straw is Warts, The Rock wants to take you step by step through the preparation of chicken catchiatorre! The most important thing to remember when preparing chicken catchiatorre is that the chicken itself must be very, very tender. In essence, what this means is that you have to beat the crap out of the chicken just like The Rock beats the crap out of his opponents every week! In The Rock's hand here is a mallet, also known in the trade as a "meat tenderizer." But The Rock will continue calling this chunk of wood and metal a mallet, because that's exactly what it is! The Rock doesn't stand for pussy-footing around! If the thing in your hand is a mallet to smack things down with, then you damn well better call it a mallet and not some pansy thing like a meat tenderizer! Do you understand The Rock, jabroni?!?!?

In addition to the mallet, you should have at least one nice, plump breast of chicken. Each breast of chicken will serve one person. So don't skimp on your breasts! Now take the mallet and perform The People's Mallet on the chicken. Although you should end up on the floor nowhere close to your breasts after this maneuver, The Rock assures you that the chicken has had the crap scared out of it and is now in terror for its very life!

Since the chicken is running scared despite its previously dead state, The Rock wants you to grab your breasts and perform another People's Mallet followed immediately by a Rock Bottom Feeder on them! This will leave the chicken breasts in a woozy, unfocused condition like The Rock left Steve Austin during that last bout! The Rattlesnake was no match for The Rock and the chicken is no match for The You! Remember that and this recipe should be entirely within your capabilities! With the chicken woozy, The Rock suggests you follow up with a nice clothesline attack after bouncing off the ropes surrounding your kitchen. Another option would be to grab the chicken around the neck and piledrive it into the floor! Take that chicken, says The Rock! Now that you've pummeled the chicken so it knows who's boss, show it no mercy! It deserves none! The evil of the chicken would do worse to you if you were in its power! Give it the smackdown about the head and shoulders until it begs for mercy, then lift it high over your head. At this point, you should double check to make sure your oven is pre-heated to 450 degrees! Your oven must be at this temperature you turds or you'll have to answer to The Rock!

Since the oven should have long ago been preheated, drop the chicken into a solid backbreaker across your knee, then get it into a headlock and force it into the fiery depths of the gas stove! Take that chicken! Your dinner will be squealing just like Mankind the last time the Rock bent him over the ropes and took him from behind!

Spank the chicken a few more times for good measure, then let it stew in its own juices until done. The Rock suggests you add a delightful pasta sauce heavy on basil with just the right touch of garlic for the perfect entree!

Where are your cream puffs now, Stone Cold Steve Austin?!?!?! Your fluffy girly pastries can't save you from what the Rock is cooking!

Next week, the Rock will show you how to prepare chopped beef in a light bernaise sauce. Toodles!

Is that The Rock in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?