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Chicks are Like Retail
by Justin Bow

I think we can all agree that hot people are a good thing. I personally am partial to the sex known broadly as chicks. If you are a chick and/or are not interested in chicks as much as I and many of my compatriots are, please continue to read and gain insight, but mentally replace all future appearances of the word "chick" with "stallion."

It has for all of human history been readily apparent that we, as a species, are interested in getting involved in serious hardcore action. Many articles have been written regarding this subject, some fine, some less fine. Plenty of them posted on this very website. I have personally been doing a great deal of research into the matter in the interest not of getting freaky circus sex for myself, but to help everyone else out there on the internet escape from the land of cyberporn and into the realm of the real thing. And science. It's always good to claim that whatever you're doing is for the advancement of science. So I have been studying chicks because I want to help people and advance science, not because I want sex. A lot.

In any case, my vast research has led me to various conclusions. First and most importantly I have learned that sex with yourself does not actually count as sex per se. At least that's what I was told by some friends during a session of I Never. So, if you think your hand is a perfect life partner, I am telling you right now that while things can indeed work out, you and your soulmate are looking at a difficult road fraught with societal condemnation. I wish you both the best of luck. For those of us who look for someone slightly less... manual, there are other factors to consider.

Most important of data collected other than the hand thing, is the overriding fact that chicks are like retail. Well, that and the fact that chicks really like being called chicks. So call them that as often as you can. The truly daring and insightful will also realize that the only things chicks like being called more than chicks is broads or bitches. Although "hos" has a certain following, broads and bitches are more traditional and in these chaotic times what with the ever-changing fads, it is safest to simply use the phrase chicks. I don't think hos is in the dictionary either. Mustn't seem uncouth.

But the point is, chicks are like retail. Now, I don't mean that you can just go up to a chick like you would to the Levi's outlet and purchase their participation in heavy 3-way intercourse for a nominal increase over the wholesale costs. Not most chicks anyway. Plus, in many municipalities this kind of transaction is frowned upon by the authorities and can end in jail time. Rather, chicks are like retail not because of their convenience and accessability, but for all the wrong reasons.

Number one, people that work in retail for a long time often get attitude with the customers. That's you. Chicks, having been chicks for the larger percentage of their lifetimes are going to naturally get tired of their job and get a counterproductive attitude as far as you're concerned. Of course, they also sometimes get bored with their job and won't pay attention to your needs or maybe only "help" (read; "put out") so they can get the customer to go away. Second, chicks like to take lots of breaks from their job so that they don't have to be around you. They even might stop "helping" you so that they can "help" other customers. This is a bad thing, as presumably you don't want your special clerk to be "helping" people while you're on a business trip or aardvarking your secretary or something.

Finally and most importantly, chicks are like retail because it is almost impossible for you to get your foot in the door. Look at it this way. Chicks like confidence. You can't really have confidence with a chick until you've gotten together with a chick at least once. In the same way, retail doesn't want you unless you have prior retail experience. But they won't give you experience, oh no they won't. They'll just stand there and laugh at you while you verbally flail around in front of the whole world trying to get them to just give you a job. Any kind of job. You don't care, you just want something, a little love, is that too much to ask? You have pretty good hygiene, right? You're not too scary, even handsome in a certain quirky way. But oh no! None of that for them! They don't want you working here, they see you as more of a friend! Well, fuck you! I don't need this damn job (sex) anyway!...

So, in conclusion, chicks are like retail because they both suck. But not in the good way. They're too uptight for that.

Did we mention that love is like a 401K not-for-profit?