A lot of people think I don't give a shit about anything, but it's not true. I really care about our environment, and I think we can do a lot more to preserve it. Never forget the three Rs: recycle, reduce, and reuse. The world would be a better place if we cut back on human waste.

When I say human waste, of course, I'm referring to old people. Each year the elderly fritter away our precious human resources even though they are making no valuable contributions to our society. These freeloading nancies putter around in their cars, holding up traffic and burning valuable fossil fuels. They putter around their homes wasting our food and poisoning our water with their sub-standard emissions. They waste our energy resources watching Murder She Wrote and Nick at Nite and powering their electric wheelchairs. And even after they die, we are forced to tie up vast tracts of valuable land to bury them and even more resources to drive to their plots every year and put flowers on their graves.

This madness has to stop.

Every little bit counts in the fight to preserve our environment. Even feeding your grandmother just a little bit less each day saves food for the starving Ethiopians. Getting your grandparents to stop mooching off of you and go back to work makes them contributing, productive members of society, easing the burden on both you and sweet mother Gaia.

But sometimes these things aren't enough. That's why I've founded the Mulch Granny Foundation, which seeks to put recycling bins to collect your used grannies and granpappies and transform them into something useful, like clean-burning fuel or soylent. We're a 401K not-for-profit organization, and you can check out our website at www.mulchgranny.com to find out what you can do to save the earth from the diseased vermin that threaten to very slowly and feebly destroy it.

So next time you're helping your grandmother across the street and come across one of my large red bins, think of the earth and what you can do it to lend it a hand (or knife). Think of the earth. Think of the children.

Thank you for your time.

The index is up to emission standards