Dating Blows Goats
by Bayard Russell
I wouldn't be such a loser if I could get laid. But I can't get
laid because I'm such a loser! Oh, the irony of it all! Oh,
the angst! It's hurting my brain!
Not really. I just like to say that.
I notice that most people drool over people that are way better than
they are. This makes a lot of sense to me. I also notice that
people are extremely insecure. This also makes sense, because in
the end aren't we all pathetically insignificant dust specks in an unimaginably
immense cosmos? Ahem. These two facts make for really messed-up
dating dilemmas. So here are some bad dating strategies you might
use to try to fill the void in your hollow soul.
Bad Dating Strategy #1: Do everything you can to make yourself
seem better than you actually are. The hope is that by marketing
yourself right, you can attract someone who's better than you are by fooling
them into thinking you're better than you are. By the time they figure
out that the product isn't what was on the "package," they've already invested
in you and they're not going to "pull out." You're going to have
to put time and effort into the masquerade, but the big payoff is when
you get to score the major hottie for the night, the weekend, the Las Vegas
wedding, or even the 4 year marriage! The funny thing is, the other
person's doing the same thing, so when the charade is up and the white
gloves come off, whoops, my bad! So two losers pretend they're winners,
and both end up with losers.
Why didn't the two losers just start dating in the first place and saved
the effort? Noooo, that would be too easy. People are too smart
for their own good.
Bad Dating Strategy #2: if you can't win, lose badly. You
decide that nobody would ever like you for who you really are, so you hide.
You don't go out and meet people and instead stay at home and make it a
Blockbuster night. This strategy has several bonuses. You never
have to deal with rejection because you've beaten them to the punch.
You save time, money and effort. And if you enjoy feeling sorry for
yourself, this is your ticket! There's also a small chance that the
girl of your dreams will fall into your lap somehow, but don't count on
it. The problem with this strategy is you're still not getting laid,
and feeling self-pity will never feel quite as good as copping a feel.
At least the folks that are living a lie are getting some action.
Bad Dating Strategy #3: Be yourself. This is the worst idea
ever. Not only do you have to put in time, money and effort to meet
people, but you also have to deal with rejection, only this time you're
getting rejected for who you really are. And believe me, you're going
to get rejected a lot, because most people are looking for people that
are way better than they are. This is also a very difficult strategy
to do because most people don't know who they really are anyway.
And most people are really insecure so it's almost impossible for them
to be open to others. There's a good reason for this: people
are mean and cruel. You have plenty of good reasons not to trust
them in the slightest. So this strategy usually fails miserably,
and the success rate is far too low for most of us thin-skinned folks to
keep it up for long.
Unless you happen to be one of those people who truly is a way better
person than all of us, and happens to naturally feel confident and comfortable
with yourself. If that is the case, then... I hate you. My
only consolation is that you're probably dating a loser who's only pretending
to be as good as you are.
Bad Dating Strategy #4: Ease yourself in. It's similar to
the conservative way of getting into a pool, where you ease yourself in
a little bit at a time into the water so the shock of jumping into the
freezing water is reduced to a series of cold nips while you let your body
adjust. Wuss. So you put on a charade originally, then slowly
let them get to know more and more about the real you, and eventually they'll
be liking you for who you are before they knew what hit 'em. If both
people are doing this, then it resembles a pathetic little game, where
each side tries to guess when it's safe to reveal another piece of their
puzzle while also trying to figure out whether they like the other person
from what's on the table. This is probably the most effort intensive
strategy of them all, because you have to do the charade and then stress
all the time over how much to reveal about yourself. It also stretches
out the courtship a long time, meaning two people who aren't right for
each other could stretch out their rejection of each other for months,
maybe even years.
Even if you don't do this yourself, other people will do it to you.
You'll meet someone who always wants to talk about you and won't reveal
much about themselves. It might be that they are genuinely pathetic
people who have something to hide, or they may be really good people who
just happen to be really insecure. Tough to tell.
Bad Strategy #5: Get sloshed. Drink alcohol, and lots of
it. Actually, any substance that disinhibits works for this avenue.
You're too drunk to put on a charade, and you're too drunk to worry about
rejection, so you get to be open and be yourself. Sort of.
It's more like you get to be who you would be if you're intoxicated and
can't walk, talk, or think straight. Note that this strategy only
works if both parties are smashed, because drunk people truly look like
losers to sober people. Things will also be totally different when
both of you sober up, and it's tricky to stay drunk through an entire relationship.
I didn't say impossible, so if you're an aspiring lush, go for it.
You might end up having the best dating experiences in your life, though
it's doubtful you'll remember any of it.
In closing, I would like to say that any way you do it, dating blows
goats. If you care about finding some nookie, you're going to have
to use one of these strategies or synthesize a method of your own, and
there will be problems any way you cut it, but you might also get lucky
and somehow run into what you're looking for. If you really don't
care, you have been blessed with the gift of asexuality, congratulations!
Give yourself a hand. And if you're one of the lucky ones who really
is a great catch, looks and acts the part, and is genuinely confident and
secure, then I hate you... and can I have your number?