It's OK to be Prejudiced Sometimes
by Bayard Russell
In today's modern world, political correctness dictates that we are
not allowed to verbally slander oppressed groups. Such verbal recklessness,
in the politically correct eye, indirectly contributes to a social atmosphere
that makes wrongs against certain groups permissible, so certain language
is self-censored or even outlawed to protect the group's rights.
This can be potentially frustrating to those of us who had a bad day at
the office and would like to ease the tension with a little hate speech.
But fear not, you hate-mongers need not be in the closet anymore!
There's a fabulous loophole in the system, because anyone can be horribly
prejudiced and make disparaging remarks about an oppressed group to which
they belong. Or put in simpler terms, it's OK to hate yourself!
(So long as you don't kill yourself, because that's illegal.)
People have been doing this for decades, it's not an original strategy.
Jewish comedians have been making fun of themselves for years, and blacks
are allowed to refer to themselves as "N's," (I'm not Black so I can't
say that). It's a concept that we call cultural ownership.
The only exception is White Trash: everyone can make fun of them
because nobody gives a fuck about those people.
So let's start practicing politically correct hate speech. It
takes a little practice, but cultivate a healthy self-hatred and it'll
become as familiar as the back of your hairy palms. Let me show you
how it's done. For example, I'm half-chinese and half-white.
This gives me double slander power! I can call myself a Chink or
a Chin or a Slanty-Eyed Gook and that's all right. And I'm also white,
so I can call myself Whitey, Cracker, Pale-Face, or White Boy. Or
I can integrate the two insults and call myself CockAsian! Brutally
attacking my white heritage is especially safe, so I can say it all I want.
Cracker, Cracker, Cracker. Crunchy!
I can also be a Man-Hater. Men are so insensitive, they're all
complete jerks. I fucking hate men, men are such pigs! Man,
that feels good. I can call myself a Chauvinist Pig or a Misogynist
too, because it's perfectly PC to attack myself for my backwards attitudes
towards women, even if it is un-PC for me to think that the only two places
women should be are in the kitchen making me pie or in the bedroom making
me babies. So the two attitudes kind of cancel each other out.
Self-hatred is not only PC, but it may also earn you brownie points in
the eyes of the Lord. Because as we all know, two wrongs always make
a right. Or do they make a french prostitute? Whatever.
But that's not all! There are many different types of things I
can accuse myself of being with complete impunity! I can call myself
a Capitalist Pig, a Spoiled Brat, a Pervert, a Crack Smoker, a Shit-Eater,
or a Whore! Because if it's true, it's fair game. Isn't this
In closing, I'd like to say that I'm a Chauvinist Whitey Chinko Man-Hating
Crack-Smoking Spoiled Little Whore. Thank you for your time.