There are cards out there that give you frequent flyer bonuses, credit towards a new car, free gas or groceries, or just straight up cashback bonuses.  So when we came out with our new credit card, None More Credit, we found it necessary to bring it to the next level.  Our credit card is superior in every way and saves you more money than any other credit card in existence.  And it comes in two trendy colors.  Sign up and save!
 

choose from our stylish "earthy honeycomb" color...

or our also-popular "winterberry breeze" color

Here's the great deal you get: there's no introductory rate, no annual fee, and no interest rate whatsoever.  There's also no credit limit, and the card is accepted all across the globe.  We couldn't care less about your previous credit history.  And you get great deals on everything through our Payback Program.

How does Payback work?  Simple.  When you go out and purchase something you shouldn't have, we come to your house and brutally beat you.  Every impulse buy, every overpriced luxury, and every bad investment results in another punch in the face, neck or groinal region.  It's Pavlovian economics at work.

Money you don't spend is money in your pocket.  It's that simple.  Our agents teach you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Payback Consequences of bad spending.  The first month in the Payback Program will require some adjustments and necessary medical costs, but after that you will find your bank account growing at a rate you would have never thought imaginable before.

But don't even think about touching those accounts.  We'll hit you.

How does None More Credit turn a profit from this great deal?  Well, the same agents that track your every move to make sure you're "staying with the program" keep careful records of your activities 24/7.  Then we sell that personal information to your friendly government agencies.  We also sell those personal databases to corporations to use in their marketing strategies.  Now, isn't it a conflict of interest to sell your information to advertisers if we're just going to beat you senseless if you buy their products?  Not really.  We like the exercise.

Hmm, we probably shouldn't have told you that last part.  But it's not like you're going to spread that around, right buddy?  Cause we'll hit you.

How do you sign up?  Don't worry about confusing online order forms or calling troublesome toll-free 1-800 numbers.  Joining our program is effortless.  Even as you read this we've used your IP address to look up your contact information, and shortly we'll be sending two of our fine representatives to your home with the paperwork.  And you had better have decided on which color scheme you want for your card by the time they get there.

Or we'll hit you.