Highlights from a Religious Pamphlet
by B. Russell

Earlier today, I picked up a religious pamphlet lying on the ground. I started reading it and found out that I couldn't put it down: it had some gunk on it so it got stuck to my fingers. Well, overall I found this piece of literature to be a bit depressing, especially when I realized that I am completely, totally screwed if anything that they're claiming happens to be true. Nevertheless, I found certain parts of it interesting. Take, for instance, the first page.

Right from the get-go, the pamphlet floods you with need-to-know information. For instance, from the cover you know that "Your Life" consists of:
A big city!
3 Policemen!
Skateboarding!
Riding a bus in a business suit!
Shopping!
Slam-dunking over suckas!
A tree!
Sitting on a bench with your S.O.!
All in all, I would have to say that "Your Life" confuses me. It does sound pretty exciting though! Especially the part where you're slam-dunking over suckas.

Sounds pretty wicked! But let's face it: deception, stealing, homicide, destruction, and torment are all things that anyone who's been in a sexual relationship has experienced. (Except homicide, hopefully.) Right about now, the masochist in all of us are probably thinking, "Hey, Hell sounds like a pretty sexy place to be." Pull out your nipple clamps, boys and girls... On another note, the person falling into the dark-blue flames of hell looks like he's not having much fun, but when you turn him upright, he looks like he's leaping for joy. I shall illustrate:

"Wee! I'm leaping!" he says. 90 degrees of rotation, and the guy goes from miserable to ecstatic. Weird. It also surprised me that terror is horizontal and joy is vertical: I always figured it was the other way around. But whatever. Oh, and burning-in-hell man looks like he's straight out of Saturday Night Fever in that get-up. But wait a second, he reminds me of someone else too...

Check out the guy dancing near the head of the cross. Familiar? That's because he is none other than burning-in-hell man! Just to erase any possible doubt, here's a side-by-side comparison:

Yep. Same guy all right, with that same stupid leaping gesture. Whatever dance of joy he was doing, God must have taken a strong disliking to it and kicked his ass out faster than you can say "Savior." And he was so close to the pearly gates too... Or maybe he cut in line, and that's why he got roasted: everybody hates cutters. That, and snitches.

This picture is kind of a tease. When you first look at it, you think, "Hey! They're showing me what God looks like! Sweeeet!" But then you realize that they've bleeped out His face in holy white light. Either that, or this was the time when God got struck in the face by lightning. The photo's not entirely uninformative, however: you now know that God likes to sit close to His Giant Pot of Gold. (That's what it looks like to me, anyway.) Who knows, maybe we should be taking Leprechauns more seriously...

I dig this picture because it's very Mod Squad. The difference is that these Siamese Twin Businessmen don't have any guns, so they have to stick their fingers out and pretend. If only they could pretend that their skulls weren't grafted together.

This is my favorite part. You get to the end of the pamphlet, and there's this empty box. So some poor schmuck reads through the materials, decides that he or she wants to embrace Jesus, needs some help on how to do it, and sees this thing. At this point, I would be sinking into a deep depression. What are they trying to say? Is there no help available at all? Is it hopeless? It was at this moment that I realized what they were trying to say: help lay not within the confines of this empty box, but within myself. So I went home and helped myself to a bowl of ice cream. Ice cream is wicked!

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