Doctor J.B. Smithe and Sons
Fine Quality Oatsy Toasts
by Dan Dorman
To enjoy Doctor J. B. Smithe and Sons fine quality Oatsy Toasts, simply open the interior plasticular container and alter the horizontal standing of the box so that the wondrous forces of gravitation can pull the cereal earthward and into your waiting bowl.
No more tiring labor involving the singular removal of pieces, the cause of the dreaded fingular sticification making mother incapable of stitching and other housechores! Now the pieces fall out as if guided by some magical force! These daring new scienctistical principals, the very ones first pondered by Newton, allow the cereal units to glide gently into your bowl!
But heed our warning! Do not allow any wayward Italians or Irishmen to fool you into opening the WHOLE BAG! Only a corner will do, as opening the whole bag would invite an uncontrolled torrent of cereal much as the undesired immigrant waves have ruined our downtown promenades and plazas.
What wondrous benefits, medicinal, social, and moral, will you derive from eating Oatsy Toasts? A strengthening of the bladder, and a fortification of all important oxidating agents that allow your blood to circulate better, an increase in your spleen productivity - scientifically proven to reduce the most base desires such as masturbation and gambling.
don't click with your mouth full