Even Losers Can Get Laid!
by Bayard Russell
Whenever you start feeling like you're a loser that will never get laid,
just remind yourself of these 6 easy principles. Then you'll realize that
you're still a loser, but you can still get laid.
Principle 1: The world is full of losers just like
Do you think you're the only loser out there who wants to get laid?
Don't be so self-centered, wretch! There are plenty of people out
there just like you, wallowing in their own misery, self-deprecating to
a fault, eyeing the handgun sitting on the dresser table and looking back
again ashamed at their own thoughts. These people, just like you,
are desperate for self-validation, and are praying to the God they're having
doubts about to send someone, anyone to f*ck their brains out.
You are not alone.
Principle 2: Talk to people.
You would think it would be common sense that you can't meet new people
if you don't talk to new people. But common sense is rarely common,
and in this case it's not even present. If you want to get laid,
you're going to get out there and talk to people. It's pathetically
easy to find new people to talk to: they're ever-present at bars,
clubs, supermarkets, bookstores, malls, gas stations, and 900 numbers.
Now I bet you're hesitant to talk to strangers because you're afraid they'll
judge you and think you're a loser. Of course they're going to think
you're a loser, silly head, you are a loser! Accept that and
move on. Once you completely dispose of your thoughtless pride your
shame will soon follow, and you will find that the cheap thrill of talking
to someone you don't know is almost as fun as the cheap thrill you get
feeling sorry for yourself.
Principle 3: The bottom of the barrel is ripe for
Now, you may still be harboring a small sense of pride, thinking that
you're above dating certain people. You may be saying to yourself,
"I'm desperate, but I'm not that desperate." Be honest with
yourself for once: Yes, you are that desperate. Lowering
your standards will open up a new world to you, you'll go from having no
prospects whatsoever to have dozens to hundreds of people on your dirty
little wish list.
Principle 4: Think short-term, not long-term.
Once you realize that nobody's looking for a long-term relationship
with a loser like you, you'll discover the merits of short-term sexual
fulfillment. While it may be difficult to downright impossible to
find someone willing to accept your staggering number of personality flaws,
it's not nearly as hard to find someone willing to sleep with you once
and never see you again. Sure you might find yourself feeling like
a piece of meat, but you'll be happy meat soon enough! And a few
one-night stands can help build your self-esteem when you realize that
even the hideous evolutionary mistake you call your body can be found desirable
by someone else. Go you!
Principle 5: Be a stalker.
Nobody achieved anything in this world without perserverance.
Success is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration. This means you may
need to bring a towel to mop off the sweat while you chase the object of
your affection through the abandoned alleyway. For you less assertive
types, remember that stalking isn't just about following someone around.
It's also about learning their schedule and accidentally bumping into them
all the time, constantly calling and emailing them "just to be friendly,"
and talking about them a lot to their friends. One man did an experiment
where he walked down the street, randomly asking 100 women if they would
sleep with him, and sure enough a few said yes. Would that work if
you asked the same woman 100 times? Hell, it's worth a shot.
Principle 6: Pay them to sleep with you.
You'd be surprised how many women who wouldn't look twice at you normally
would sleep with you for money. This isn't limited to prostitutes:
plenty of regular women would sleep with you, date you regularly, or even
marry you if the price was right. Some women don't take cash or checks,
so you might have to pay them in dinners, movies, or gifts. Be creative!
And if all else fails, actual prostitutes will take cash or checks.
Remember to ask her if she's a cop.
It worked for me, and it can work for you! Before I started using
these 6 easy principles, I was a complete loser. Now I'm still a
loser, but occassionally I get laid. And compared to you, that makes
me a winner!
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