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I am an 18 year old high school senior. My submission is a short story I wrote for my english class. My english teacher gave me a F for being "Offensive." If you think it's not that funny, keep in mind I did it for home work and I could do better. But if it is too offensive, that I can't help.

Breakfast with Jesus

Two summers ago, I went to visit my cousin in Wisconsin. My cousin lives with my aunt and uncle in a small city called Wisconsin Rapids. The population of Wisconsin Rapids is under 2000, so it was especially surprising to meet who I did there.

I flew up there in June, after school ended for the summer. My cousin picked me up at the airport and we drove two hours to get to his house. When we arrived it was two o'clock in the morning, so we went to sleep. I awoke to loud music coming from the house next door. My cousin jumped out of bed and ran out the door with me right behind. We went outside and up to the door of the house where the music was coming from. My cousin pounded on the door and yelled, "Jesus Christ, open the door!" No one answered, so we went around back. We opened the gate and walked in. The sight I found astonished me. There sitting on a lazy-boy recliner, smoking a huge joint, and playing an electric guitar was Jesus Christ. It was easy to tell that it was Jesus because the recliner was floating three feet in the air and his house smelled really nice. I stood stunned, but my cousin started to yell over the music "It's 9:00 in the morning, quit playing that crap."

Jesus looked up and said, "Why are you always hassling me, you stupid jackass?" My cousin didn't reply; instead he gave Jesus the bird and unplugged the amp. While picking up the amp, my cousin said, "Let's go Sam." I didn't move, instead I sat down on a bench next to the pool. My cousin shook his head and stormed away with the amp.

"Hey Sam, want some breakfast?" Jesus yelled to me as he floated inside.

"How did you I know my name?" I asked him

"Um, Hello. Jesus over here. Plus, I heard your cousin say it."

"Oh right."

For breakfast, Jesus was making eggs and bacon, but he had no bacon so he decided we were going to take a run to the supermarket. Jesus drove a 1995 Buick Le Sabre, which was in really good condition. When we got in the car, Jesus didn't even buckle his seatbelt; the car just started and drove itself to the A&P. On the way there Jesus and I talked about all sorts of stuff. At the store, Jesus got the most expensive kind of bacon and orange juice. People at the store all watched what Jesus was getting, but Jesus was cool about it; he even signed some autographs. When we got to the front, Jesus just walked by the cashier and said, "Put these on my tab," and cashier nodded.

"Why do you get to have a tab?" I asked as I got in the car.

"I know the owner; he's Jewish, but he's cool," Jesus replied.

When we were heading back to the house, a convertible with three hot chicks pulled up next to us. They waved and then flashed us. Then they sped away and that's when I realized that it was pretty sweet to be Jesus.

I spent the rest of the morning with Jesus, until we got into a fight over who would win in a kickboxing match: him or Superman. That's when Jesus decided that it was time for me to leave. He also suggested I join a religion devoted to Superman. When I got home, I got to brag to everyone how I met Jesus and everyone was impressed; except for my co-worker, Larry, who claimed to have met Jesus back in the eighties after taking too many mushrooms. All in all, I still think Jesus is a pretty cool guy, even though he was totally wrong about the kickboxing thing.


  visit Jesus's webpage and ask him
about the kickboxing thing