Diablo II: Javelina
Huntress of the Damned
by B. Russell

I wanted to devote this article to one of my nearest and dearest: Javelina, a character I have played for over 3 months now in the greatest computer game of all time, Diablo II. I have shared literally hundreds of hours of my life with this Amazonian temptress, battling anything from hellspawn to porcupines, and over the time we've spent together on those dark nights I've grown quite fond of her. Sure, it might be a case of misguided affection, but to sacrifice so much of one's spare time to one person, fictional or not, it seems just plain wrong to leave her unmentioned. Javelina, this one's for you.

I don't know much about Javelina's childhood. Perhaps she sprung fully-formed from the cracked forehead of Cronos, or was simply blinked into existence by a space-time flux that landed her smack-dab in the middle of a backwoods rogue encampment. Whatever the case, doesn't she look fetching in red?

Here is Javelina running. Run, my princess! Run like the wind!

Javelina, wearing her fearsome, yet sensual, battle armor. As you can see, she is using a pike as her primary weapon. I originally named her Javelina because I intended for her to use javelins as her primary death-dealer, just to prove to a skeptical comrade that an Amazon could be an effective fighter using that weapon. I later discovered that he was right and I was wrong, and switched to long, pointy spears. All was not lost for her name, however: I was told there is a wild pig in the southwest called a javelina (the j is silent) which is both temperamental and has a very strong odor, thanks to its habit of peeing on itself. Realizing that in my hundreds of hours of gameplay Javelina has never taken a restroom break or a shower, I believe that the wild pig her name alludes to represents both the spirit and odor of my mighty warrior.

(Javelina's great grandmother, Pokingstickalina, circa 1910)

Here's a sensual, yet tasteful, shot of Javelina's sweet little ass. She is built like an Amazon, that's for sure. My fair maiden of destruction has already turned level 26 now, and I hope someday to save the world with her on all four difficulty levels. After that, it's on to the Diablo II Expansion Pak, which promises new levels, new items, and hundreds of more hours of quality time for us to share together.

Here is Javelina running again. Damn. Javelina spends the vast majority of her existence running away or towards things, and a fraction of her time spent killing, being killed, shopping for trendy new gear, or trying out recipies in the Horadric Cube (don't ask). I have my suspects that Diablo II is a very cleverly disguised Track and Field game.

Sometimes I like to play dress-up with Javelina. Here she is, pictured in 3 particularly tacky helmets. I have a hard time deciding which one looks the most stupid on her: I'm leaning towards the goat-skull helmet, but the jester hat and viking helm are also pretty horrendous. The Amazon, more than any other Diablo II character type, has the unique ability of looking really lame in virtually all types of headgear. I find it endearing.

She is Javelina, an Amazon that refuses to be an Archer and struggles, against her design, to save the universe using spear-class weapons. She is a fighter, she is my love, and more than anything, she is a long-distance runner of great magnitude. I pray that we may share an eternity together in an electronic heaven filled with rejuvenation potions, weapon upgrades, and running in heavy armor. Javelina, you are part of my life forever.

At least, until I get bored of you and buy a Nintendo Game Cube. Love is a fleeting thing.

 Deckard Cain likes to lick her boots