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Mean-Spirited Second-Hand Gossip
about Jared Fogle

by B. Russell

Today at work I talked to a graduate of Indiana University who knew Jared Fogle, star of recent Subway ads, who lost 245 lbs. eating a Subway sandwich diet. He told me some things about Jared from his college days that I thought you might find interesting, if you're interested in that sort of crap. Who knows if any of this is true, but let's pretend it is.

1. Jared did not in fact have to walk to Subway to buy his sandwiches, so exercise wasn't a part of his miraculous weight loss. His dormitory had a Subway on the first floor, and he always ate there because it was the closest place to get food. The only time he'd leave his dorm room was to go to class, and even then he would pick classes based on whether they had chairs wide enough for him to sit in.

2. One day my co-worker was hanging out with Jared and saw this tall cup by his bed. He looked in the cup and found it full to the brim with brownish-yellow gunk. He asked what it was, and Jared said that lately he'd been coughing up stuff in his sleep, so rather than get up and go to the bathroom, he'd just tilt his head and spit it into the cup. So for weeks, Jared Fogle had this mug of phlegm on his bedside table because he was too lazy to move.

3. Before Jared was known for his miraculous weight-loss, he was known for having one of the most comprehensive porno collections on campus. Evidently people would come to check movies out of his extensive library, and many would come up to his dorm room to borrow a movie and then return it 15 minutes later.

Think of these things the next time you see another one of those Subway ads.

That is all.


 jared fogle is a naughty vampire god