Soul Food for Thought
Hi, Death here. You probably know me from my work in the Crusades numbers
1 through 8. I want to talk to you today in order to clear up some misconceptions
you probably have. Now, a lot of people come up to me and say, "Death,
what's the afterlife like? Do we really have souls?"
Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to discuss the afterlife. Union rules.
So as much as I'd like to, I can't tell you about that. But as for whether
or not you have a soul, there is a lot of information that you seem to
be missing that I think it important I provide to you. Quite simply, the
answer is yes, you do indeed have a soul. A big whopping juicy soul full
of uniquely you spiritual energy that's just spritzing out all over the
place. Sounds good, even though it is a little unsanitary.
I know that right now, a lot of you are feeling pretty good about yourselves
and thinking, "Hey, if I have a soul and everyone else has a soul, then
in some cosmic intangible way, we must all be equal and everything will
turn out all right after all." As usual you are completely wrong. Sure,
everyone has a soul, but that doesn't make you all equal. See, that's
pretty much what the function of the soul is, to differentiate your quality
like a stamp on USDA approved beef. Each person's soul is like a barcode
and tracking device all combined. That's how I find you when I come for
you and the same with Satan and God. We get a list of people we need to
track down every day and crank up the old soul-tracking devices. Really,
it's a lot like one of those nature shows where the bears are tagged and
then released back into the wild. Except you're the bear.
But that isn't my point. My point is that even though everyone has a
soul, that doesn't make you equal. See, there's nothing much to do with
all eternity if you're the embodiment of an abstract idea or if you're
a deity so you make your entertainment where you can. Basically, what I'm
trying to tell you as gently as I possibly can is that your souls are a
commodity. Like trading cards. I don't know who first came up with the
idea, God or the Devil, but it was sheer genius and we've been following
the system for ever since. The idea is to get the best collection of trading
cards that you can. Sure, a lot of cards/souls in your collection is nice,
but factors like quality and importance matter a lot too. To further the
trading card analogy, think of baseball players. It's fine for you to own
an entire set of this year's cards, but wouldn't you rather just have a
single Babe Ruth rookie card? That's what I thought. Souls work the same
So the breakdown of soul values goes something like this: pretty people
are worth more. Sorry, but it's the truth; given the choice between
a pretty person's soul and the soul of a hideous loser, we'll take pretty
every time. I know some of you out there were hoping that looks wouldn't
matter after you were dead, but that's the way it goes. It's your fault
for being ugly in the first place. Second, famous people are likewise worth
more than the rest of you. Not just movie stars, but everyone famous ever.
God has a really great collection of famous scientists going and Satan's
working on his historic dictators set. Both of those are really cool, the
mint condition Alexander the Great is my favorite. Although the classics
are always in style, the big fad right now is movie stars from throughout
this century. We call them Moviemon (gotta catch em all!) and we have them
battle each other in a specially constructed arena. They don't seem to
have very many powers right now, but we're hoping that some of them will
movievolve soon into bigger, more powerful versions of themselves. Right
now, my Moviemon, Marlene Dietrich is the champ of the female Moviemon
division. Satan keeps saying that when Liza Minelli dies she's going to
kick some ass, but I think Marlene will have movievolved by then.
In any case, I just thought you should know about what your souls and
what goes on with them. Thanks for your time.
Oh, and if you see Val Kilmer anytime, could you kill him for me? I
kind of want to get him in my collection.
index would like to swap your soul for some Nilla wafers