Pass Me the Gin and Gummi Juice
Hi, are you busy? It's me, Death. You probably know me from such
works as the Dinosaurs, the Passenger Pigeon and all your childhood pets.
Which is actually what I want to talk with you about today. No, not the
dog that your parents said ran away but actually died; I want to talk about
childhood. More specifically, I want to talk about that thing that defines
each individuals childhood more than anything else; cartoons.
Growing up, children are exposed to any number of different inputs
that teach them about the way world works, from human interaction to basic
laws of physics. Certainly parents are the most important source of knowledge
for a child, but cartoons are right up there at number two. Children, their
brains unsullied by hormones and "facts" taught to them in school are capable
in a way that no adult is of sorting through all the entertainment dross
on television and getting right to the meat. This manifests itself in their
decided preference for the bright colors and loud noises of cartoons. In
the same way, children are able to attack the rigorous building blocks
of the food pyramid to find that the most important food group is, in fact,
candy. The tendency to extract the best from the world produced by adults
leads children to spend countless hours laughing maniacally to the antics
of anthropomorphized animals with guns and dynamite while scarfing down
unholy amounts of sugar.
In other words, kids know what they're doing. It was therefore
only a matter of time before this rare genius was recognized for what it
is by the brains behind network television and a cartoon was created that
brought together everything that is good and right in the world. A show
that promotes world peace while offering an endless font of marketing opportunities.
This program, this perfection came from the good people at Disney and was
known as "Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears." While certainly there
are other fine animated programs both past and present, all, even I, Death,
must bow down to the sheer awesome might displayed by the Gummi Bears.
On the most basic level, this was a television show about fanciful
midget-sized bear people that lived in a hidden world near a bustling castle
in middle ages. This castle is presumably in England since as we all know,
all of the middle ages was set in England. Evidence for this can be found
in the fact that all people from the middle ages in movies have English
accents, even if they are French, or Italian or some other national group.
Also, the human beings in the show all speak English. Frankly, setting
the story in an English speaking nation was a very important move by the
shows creators since most American children speak English and it may have
been difficult to develop the series into a hit if children had to learn,
say Russian in order to understand what the cute little critters were saying.
On top of that, Russian sounds like you're swearing all the time and parents
might have gotten concerned if their children started swearing in Russian
suddenly thanks to a Disney cartoon.
In any case, the happy little talking bear things lived in their
semi-magical world near a big beautiful, clean castle filled with nice
humans. Even though the people in the castle seem nice, the Gummi Bears
don't want them to know that they exist and so the only human beings that
are aware of the magical critters are a stable boy named Cabin, or Cavin
or Calvin or Dorkface or something and the rebellious but hot Princess
named Princess. There are also some kings and knights and things, but that's
not important except that all the humans get to wear armor and carry swords
since it's the middle ages. Really, that's the only reason to set anything
in the middle ages, so that everyone on the show gets a sword and they
can smack each other around with them. Everyone can get into that, even
Mom and Dad. Plus, what's more fun, hitting Johnny with a plain old stick,
or your very own Gummi Bears Sword tm?
There are also bad guys and they're ugly and ogres and dangerous even though
they get beaten every week by a stable boy with an unspellable name and
midgets dressed in bear suits.
So that's the basic show. But now I want to talk about the bears
and the genius. First off, the name of the show and the main characters
is the Gummi Bears. While this is spelled differently than the candy Gummy
Bears, it is strangely pronounced the same. On top of that, each of the
cartoon Gummi Bears is the same color as one of the flavors of the candy
Gummy Bears. There's Cubby who's the red flavored candy, and Sunny who's
the yellow candy. Grammy is orange. Then there's Gruffy, who has brown
fur which is confusing in the candy metaphor at first, but he wears a green
hat so he must be the green candy. Finally, there's Crotchety Gummi. He's
the old wizard bear who can never get a spell right. Did I mention that
he's old? That means he's going to die soon and he has gray fur. Thus,
he represents the stale flavor of Gummy Bear. Or maybe the white ones,
but I don't believe that since he has gray fur. Fortunately, the Gummi
Bears don't look much like the Gummy Bears because you'd be able to kind
of see through them and watch their organs as they wander around the cartoon.
I think that would be neat, but kids seem to cry a lot when they see internal
organs. But still, right away, the show's producers have targeted kids
so that they WILL buy Gummy Bears candy and watch the Gummi Bear show.
No relation between the two Mom and Dad; they're spelled differently!
Now, outside of the Gummi Bears, there's the stable boy and Princess.
Dorkface really wants to get with Princess because, well, she's hot and
he's a stable boy. So there's this whole sexual tension thing that runs
throughout the whole series where the kiddies are left wondering when Dorkface
and Princess will confess their true feelings for each other and get it
on. Which brings me to the most depressing aspect of the show. The Gummi
Bears only have two women and one man. On top of that, they're supposed
to be the only Gummi Bears left alive in the whole world. Now both Grammy
and Crotchety are old, so they're probably bumping uglies even though they
won't be producing more of their own kind anytime soon. Now, Cubby and
Sunny are the young bears that kids are supposed to identify with, so they'll
eventually grow up and get to screw like bunnies just to keep the species
alive. All of this seems fine except that Gruffy, competent, strong, young
adult Gruffy remains entirely sexually frustrated. There is no mate for
Gruffy. He is left to wax the dolphin by himself until he dies of old age.
I really felt for Gruffy. I identified with Gruffy. I thought it was a
terrible injustice that Gruffy didn't have a counterpart. Someone like
Sexy Gummi to hang out with.
And so, we see that the Gummi Bears is the greatest cartoon show
to ever exist. Except that Gruffy never got laid. And that Disney never
made a drink called Gummi Berry juice. I always wanted to drink some of
Thank you for your time. Oh, and if you have some Gummi Berry
juice, give it over and we might be able to work something out about that
here if you think Gruffy should get laid