A Few Words on Music and Culture
Hi, it's me, Death again. You probably know me from that episode
of Beverly Hills 90210 and the war in the Balkans. Today, I want to talk
to you about something that everyone should take an interest in; culture.
Specifically, I want to discuss music and its place in society. In a general
sense, everyone is aware of a certain amount of culture. If nothing else,
in this modern day you are inundated at every moment by a continuous stream
of information. It is this information which makes up the culture of which
you are a member. The most basic forms of information and entertainment
which are enjoyed by the largest group of people is what the experts call
"popular culture." Those forms of entertainment accepted by a smaller segment
of the population but still recognized on the whole as being artistically
worthwhile are called "high culture." And no, I'm not talking about hippies.
Basically, all information and especially all art is divided into
one of these two categories. I don't feel like getting into some long argument
with you about what exactly art is, so take the definition they gave you
when you were first taught to fingerpaint and leave it at that. Since music
is an art form, that means that music is also divided into these two categories,
so there is popular music and high music. I'm still not talking about hippies.
In every era, there is some music that is popular and some that
is artistically significant. The problem is that the music you've been
churning out lately fails on all levels to satisfy the qualifications necessary
to get it inducted into the category of high culture and most of it barely
qualifies as anything other than noise. Sure, sure it's popular, but that
doesn't mean it doesn't suck. And when I say suck, I do mean suck. Like
a Hoover vacuum cleaner powered directly by a radioactive core. What I've
been hearing come out of recent bands makes me want to create a whole new
category for music outside of the two we already discussed. That category
is crap. So now we have popular music, high music and crap.
Just for fun, let's go down the list and see where everything
goes, shall we? Hmmm, first off, Rap. Well, that obviously goes into the
crap designation. Hell, you can't spell crap without Rap, right? Next up,
Country. Yep, that's in crap. Then there's Alternative Rock. Also crap.
Traditional Rock, Disco, Hip-Hop, Techno, Blues, Jazz, Lawrence Welk. Gee,
it sure looks like everything goes in the crap pile. In fact, now that
I'm looking at all of this music, it looks like everything turned out this
century has been heavily sub-standard.
Face it, you people wouldn't know a good song if it jumped up
and bit you on the ass. Modern music has no melody, it either sounds like
a couple of guys spewing lyrics that barely rhyme and don't make any sense
over a bunch of heavily loaded bass or like a bagful of cats and metal
pans being smacked against a wall. I think Tom Jones is probably the biggest
offender of the first school of music. His heavy beats and moronic lyrics
cause brain damage in all who hear him. I mean, what the hell does "It's
not unusual to be loved by anyone" mean? Am I supposed to feel something
from that? How can I identify with this drivel? And I have no desire to
see him baring his manly neck in those low-cut leisure suits of his while
the women drool. You used to have to pay money to see something like that.
Now it's okay for him to go bare-necked all over the place. It is obvious
to me and, I think, to everyone that Tom Jones and his "phat, stoopid posse"
are corrupting today's youth with their message of loose sex, drug use,
and violence. No right-minded person can possibly see Tom Jones, Frank
Sinatra or Snoop Dogg as representing true artistic talent.
The last great rock star we had was one Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Perhaps you've heard of him, you cretin. Like Tom Jones and Dr. Dre, the
ladies loved him, he was manly in all the right ways, but unlike today's
"stars" Mozart was always tasteful. He knew how to dress with flash in
his almost scandalously short knickers, his profusely laced ruffles and
his neon stockings. He was the bad boy of Germany and even though some
people thought his music was unorthodox, inharmonious, and just flat out
too loud, the young people recognized his vision. Mozart's music inspired
a whole generation of youth to leave their parents' houses, get drunk on
cheap wine and experiment with alternative forms of agriculture. I don't
see any of today's musicians doing that. In short, Mozart was the last
great rock star that the human race produced and I am utterly disgusted
that you have fallen so far from the greatness that he represented. Where
is the rebellion against the status quo for the sake of rebellion? Where
are the outrageous fashions and vast sex appeal? Where is the music?
So you kids go ahead and listen to your "rock and roll." Have
your "parties" and your "sock hops." Go ahead and act like a bunch of degenerates.
When you grow up, maybe you'll realize what all your music really sounds
Thank you for your time, you philistines.
Mozart wasn't in hell, he'd go back to the index