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A Few Words on Relationships
by Death

 Hi, can we talk for a minute? I'm Death. You probably know me from such works as all your dead ancestors and the Trojan War. Today, I want to have a frank discussion with you about an issue that comes up in everyone's life regardless of lifestyle or sexual orientation. That topic is relationships.
 In each individual's life they are bound to have a number of romantic relationships with others. Unless you're some kind of freak. In which case you spend a lot of time alone surfing the net and wishing for action.

 For the rest of us normal people, significant others serve as both a motivating factor and an ultimate bane of our existence. This is due to the hideously unique nature of every relationship. For each relationship that is healthy and wonderful and makes us better people there are another half dozen that are disfunctional and drag us further down into the mire.

 In general, I would say that being in a relationship is the common factor of existence. Everybody wants to share their time with a special someone else. To give and receive affection, feel intimacy, and find someone who truly understands them. Unfortunately, mortals are utterly messed up. This fact leads to a lot of pain and misunderstanding between people; causing situations which not only do not adequately fulfill the relationship drive but can cause harm to those involved with each other. We can call these relationships "unhealthy" and normal, non-freakish, not heart-rending, interactions that fail to eat your soul as "healthy."

 As has already been noted, healthy relationships are great. Go to it. Enjoy your healthy relationship for all it's worth. But remember, no matter how happy you are, I'm waiting for you. So don't get too self-satisfied you lucky bastard.

 Unhealthy relationships, however are a whole different can of worms. I like to divide unhealthy relationships into two categories. The first category is the unhealthy relationship in which you're still having really good sex. The second group of unhealthy relationships includes those in which your significant is either just amazingly bad in the sack or has ceased putting out altogether.

 I suggest that anyone involved in the second kind of unhealthy relationship end it immediately. There is no reason to spend time with someone who thinks that naming the mold in their refrigerator counts as a hobby unless you're getting laid as part of the bargain. Be assured that I will come for your erstwhile partner and ensure that they are properly punished in the afterlife for their shortcomings. Feel free to take that as a pun.

 Those persons still involved in an unhealthy relationship which continues to include wild, mind-blowing, circus sex are in a more difficult position. (Feel free to take that as a pun too.) Basically, you find yourself really liking having sex with your significant, but can't wait to get the hell away from them as soon as the grunting stops. I sympathize. My first real relationship was with a woman known as The Power of the Devil. If you believe nothing else that I ever say, believe me when I tell you that this girl was hot with a capital H. I mean, she had a figure that just wouldn't quit; legs all the way up to her neck, perfect breasts... anyway, I'm distracting myself. Perhaps the most special thing about my relationship with The Power of the Devil was that she liked me for me. At that point in my existence I was quite naive, I had only popped out of the cosmic ether a millenia or so earlier I was still walking around in the black cowl with the whole skeletal thing going on all the time. Naturally, this made attracting women difficult, but I told myself that I was Death, a loner, what did I care for the favors of the opposite sex? The Power of the Devil saw right through my trumped up image of solitude to the real me. The sensitive guy who likes watching children at play and enjoys eating puppies on the beach.

 Pretty soon, I thought The Power of the Devil was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. But then I realized that she was cheating on me with all kinds of people, even mortals. I will never forget the night I caught her in a firelit clearing simultaneously possessing three different men at once.

 Well, needless to say, I dumped her then and there. The problem was, even though our emotional relationship had ended, I always got turned on when I was around her. Many people may have trouble imagining a skeleton with an enormous woody, but that's just what I was every time she walked in the room. Soon, even though we were officially apart, I found myself having sex with her every chance I could. There's nothing like sex with the Power of the Devil. I think many people would even be willing to attest to that in a court of law. In any case, I soon realized that I was addicted not to my lady love, but to the hot sex that we shared. Even though I knew that what we had was an unhealthy relationship I didn't care. Soon, I had sunk even further into my Death as loner image and was hanging out with a rough bunch of entities from beyond the fringes of reality to help boost my self-esteem. I might never have gotten out of that situation if it hadn't been for a chance meeting in a candy store with my loving wife Taxes.

 So, you ask, what's the moral of the story? It's simple. If you're getting action from someone, stick with them no matter how bad the rest of the relationship may be. You can always find an artificial way to feel better about yourself but there's just no substitute for hot, kinky sex.

Thank you for your time.

 Go back to the index, you sexy thing you