A Few Words on Good Hygiene
Hi, can we talk for a minute? I am Death. You probably know me
from such works as The Black Plague, World War I and World War II : The
Revenge. Today, I come before you to speak about a subject that I think
really affects all of us and for reasons that will become clear, I personally
feel very deeply about. That subject is hygiene.
Many people take good hygiene for granted, thinking that it happens
by itself or even that it doesn't matter at all. Well, I'm here to let
you know that that just isn't true. If you want to feel good about yourself,
you need to look good too and no one looks their best unless they follow
good hygiene habits.
Sure, brushing your teeth regularly and wearing deodorant are important,
but they absolutely pale in comparison to the necessity of clean underwear.
Now, I'm sure that many of you when you were little didn't see the need
for clean underwear. You liked your Superman underwear and never wanted
to take it off. Not even to shower. Your mother or possibly your father
probably told you that you had to change your underwear on a daily basis.
When you asked why, they said that if you got hit by a car, they didn't
want the paramedics to see your dirty underwear and think that they were
bad parents. You thought it was just a stupid excuse to make you change
your underwear. You thought your mother was just being strange, perhaps
even a little morbid or selfish in her line of logic.
Guess what, buddy? You thought wrong!
You heard me. I work with paramedics every day. I'm right there with
them when they get to the scene of an accident. You think the first thing
they check for is the victim's pulse? Check to see if he's alive? Wrong
again! First thing that happens, the pants come off. They check the underwear
for freshness before they give the victim treatment one. In fact, all paramedics
receive special training which allows them to tell the cleanliness of underwear
from smell and texture. If the underwear isn't clean, the victim may get
shoddy treatment and on top of that, the names of his or her parents are
recorded in a central database for future use. Basically, the paramedics
themselves use this database to determine who's at the top of their priority
list as far as handling emergencies. The information is also distributed
nationwide to other public service organizations. This includes the school
system, the post office and it is even factored in when someone applies
for an organ transplant. So yes, if you wear dirty underwear, then everyone,
and I do mean everyone is going to know what a terrible mother you had.
Of course, that's just what happens to your parents. If you die and
you're not wearing clean underwear, you have to deal with me. I don't really
do anything, just knock you around a little before sending you into the
great beyond. But, I mean, what the hell is wrong with you people? You
should see some of the underwear I have to deal with. You people are just
disgusting. When I was a freshman in college, my next door neighbor in
the dorm had these enormous skid marks in his boxers that showed right
through the back so that it looked like he'd been mauled in the ass by
a chocolate bear. What, you're too busy to wipe properly? Some people's
underwear could be picked up by the EPA for crying out loud. I'm not picky
or anything, I just don't want to harvest a fresh soul and have these nasty
brown splotches staring me in the face all the time.
This isn't a modern problem either. I've been trying to get you morons
to change your underwear more often almost from the invention of clothing.
Initially the problem was that people got attached to their animal hides
and it was tough to get more skins anyway. So I went with the flow. I cut
you some slack. But then textiles were invented and still you didn't get
the idea. After a couple centuries with the mortal population failing to
shape up in the underwear department I kind of took matters into my own
hands. Most ghosts or spirits or whatever that come back to talk to their
loved ones are there because I sent them. They're supposed to get the word
out about the underwear thing. The problem is that no one really seems
to listen. Everyone wants to hear about life after death, or say their
tearful fairwells or maybe they're just freaked because some dead guy's
visiting them. In any case, the really important part about wearing clean
underwear and wiping more thoroughly gets lost somewhere along the line.
Thus, I thought it might be a good idea if I came to you myself and let
you know. This isn't just my problem. It's your problem too. In my official
capacity as Death let me say the following: No one wants to see your nasty
skid marks walking around! Wash your damn underwear!
Well, that's about all I have right now. Thank you for your time.
Oh. And you should bathe more too. You smell.
your hands before you handle the index, will you dear?