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Extreme DVD Madness
at Pikachu Universe Stadium

by B. Russell

The crowd of 850,023 roared as the holiday laser light show ended in a blaze and the undead zombie cheerleaders stopped humping their llamas and exited the playing field. Buzzing in anticipation, the frothing fans twitched in spasmic excitement and delirious delight. The Stadium, no larger than two traditional football stadiums, was so packed that there was only room to stand, freaks pushed together so tightly that one couldn't take a full breath without crushing another man's Mentos. Their arms extended flailing at the heavens, most precariously gripping sardines like battle flags, and they cheered and cheered, out of their minds.

Out skipped the Master of Ceremonies in the traditional moose-head hat, matching penguin suit, and Grand Scepter of All Things Wack. "DVD Playas and Playettes, Prepare To Be ROCKED!" he screamed through supercharged megaphone to the pulsing patrons of Pikachu Universe Stadium. "And NOW, Let The Crazy-Mad DVD Carnage Unfold! Here are YOUR DVD Champions!" Charging out into the field, in no particular order or direction, were the Teams of Great Disregard, each one wearing all colors of the rainbow, one team indistinguishable from the other, covered from head to toe in DVD battle armor, glinting slick in the unworldly sunlight. Each carried Boy Scout packs full to the brim with old DVD favorites, and each had a broomstick tucked into their belts. As soon as one player unleashed a copy of "Girls Gone Wild" into another man's neck the announcer screamed, "And... BEGIN!"

Already, high-quality DVDs were flying in droves over the field, some deflected by the Players' shining DVD armor, some embedding deeply into flesh and bone, some soaring into the stands, shredding sardines outstetched from eager fans' hands. The crowds cheered, unable to see the action in their extreme state of arousal, shaking and spasming against one another as David Bowie boomed from the stadium speakers. The scoreboard announced a tie: 1 to 2.

Then, the golden CD was released: a single copy of Moby's award-winning album "Play" was shot into the thick of things, and all the Players and Fans stopped dead in their tracks as the large cheese gong resounded over the field. As the dust cleared, you could see now that the entire playing field was filled, up to the knees, with blood and DVDs, and a single CD was hidden somewhere in the pile. Spontaneously, one fan, a young man named Neil who had come with his ex-mother Francine, screamed, "END IT!!!" and at once all the Players started digging through the piles, desperately searching for The Golden One. "FIND IT, FIND IT!" the crowd cheered, devouring their sardines and kicking each other smartly in the ankles. The music changed to the greatest hits of Dido, and cheerleaders began to throw freshly cooked spaghetti on the fans (always a crowd favorite).

Suddenly, a single voice pierced the frenzied blur. "I found it!" A large hulking man wearing the complete DVD set of "Twin Peaks" held the Moby CD triumphantly above him, that triumph turned to horror a few moments later by the grashing teeth of all the other players, ripping away his DVD armor, sinking into tender flesh. A minute later the ending cheese gong had sounded and all the players collapsed, stuffed and exhausted, on the DVD landscape beside the victor's skeletal frame. The crowd murmured quietly, knowing that the game was over and it was time for The Preservation.

Great vats of hot lead appeared overhead, and the stadium went serenely silent, anticipating what was to come. As the hot lead poured from the sky, encasing all in a shiny solid layer of hot metal magma, they thought fondly of the sardines.

I have no idea where this came from. Lock me up. Please. -the Author


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