I'm Having Fantasies About Bulimia
by Bayard Russell
I'm not saying that I'm bulimic. I'm not. And I'm not saying
that bulimia is "cool," or "trendy," or "mondo spiff." Bulimia is
a serious disease that millions of image-obsessed young victims of modern
culture suffer from, and it's no laughing matter.
But haven't any of you had bulimic fantasies, every once in a while?
Haven't you gone to the snack table at some party and said to yourself,
"You know, if I was bulimic, I could clear this entire snack tray of assorted
meats and cheeses and not gain a pound. Boy, that would piss them
off." Haven't you ever had that fantasy?
Now, I'm not trying to be funny, I'm just seriously asking if you've
ever fantasized about eating tremendous amounts of food and then throwing
it up afterwards so you don't gain weight. Because if you're like
me, you've been out on a date and she starts to take her pants off, and
all you can think about is scarfing 16 pounds of bratwurst and tossing
it afterwards. Doesn't that sound fantastic to you, even just a little?
Not that I'd ever do it. As I mentioned before, I think bulimia
is nothing to joke about, and I would never do it myself, let alone try
to get anyone else to consider doing it. I'm just saying that fantasizing
about throwing up large quantities of food is a universal experience that
all members of the human race share, and that by recognizing this and sharing
this innermost desire with one another we would have the revelation that
deep down, despite the barriers of race, gender, and fashion, we're not
all that different.
Why are you shaking your head like that? Are you telling me that
you've never gone to Office Depot to buy some more toner for your Panasonic
4410 laser printer, all the while fantasizing about eating 42 cheese logs
and then throwing it all up? Because that happens to me. A
Really? You haven't? Are you saying that when you go to
the grocery store and you walk through the cookie isle, you aren't thinking
to yourself, "Boy, seeing all this makes me want to scarf every last Hydrox
and Milano and toss them all in the parking lot by that Salvation Army
guy with the bell"? Are you saying that you've never dreamed about
finishing off the entire buffet table at Ponderosa's every day for the
rest of your life while maintaining a trendy, waifish appearance?
Doesn't the irony of being a starving glutton appeal to you?
Hold on, wait a sec.. So you're saying that you've never had fantasies
about bulimia? Ever? Are you saying that it's just me, and
that you think that I'm a freak of nature for having these types of daydreams,
and that you'd like me to stop talking about it because I'm scaring you?
Oh. Well then. Er, nevermind. Forget I mentioned it.
this makes me want to toss my index