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I'm Having Fantasies About Bulimia
by Bayard Russell

I'm not saying that I'm bulimic.  I'm not.  And I'm not saying that bulimia is "cool," or "trendy," or "mondo spiff."  Bulimia is a serious disease that millions of image-obsessed young victims of modern culture suffer from, and it's no laughing matter.

But haven't any of you had bulimic fantasies, every once in a while?  Haven't you gone to the snack table at some party and said to yourself, "You know, if I was bulimic, I could clear this entire snack tray of assorted meats and cheeses and not gain a pound.  Boy, that would piss them off."  Haven't you ever had that fantasy?

Now, I'm not trying to be funny, I'm just seriously asking if you've ever fantasized about eating tremendous amounts of food and then throwing it up afterwards so you don't gain weight.  Because if you're like me, you've been out on a date and she starts to take her pants off, and all you can think about is scarfing 16 pounds of bratwurst and tossing it afterwards.  Doesn't that sound fantastic to you, even just a little?

Not that I'd ever do it.  As I mentioned before, I think bulimia is nothing to joke about, and I would never do it myself, let alone try to get anyone else to consider doing it.  I'm just saying that fantasizing about throwing up large quantities of food is a universal experience that all members of the human race share, and that by recognizing this and sharing this innermost desire with one another we would have the revelation that deep down, despite the barriers of race, gender, and fashion, we're not all that different.

Why are you shaking your head like that?  Are you telling me that you've never gone to Office Depot to buy some more toner for your Panasonic 4410 laser printer, all the while fantasizing about eating 42 cheese logs and then throwing it all up?  Because that happens to me.  A lot.

Really?  You haven't?  Are you saying that when you go to the grocery store and you walk through the cookie isle, you aren't thinking to yourself, "Boy, seeing all this makes me want to scarf every last Hydrox and Milano and toss them all in the parking lot by that Salvation Army guy with the bell"?  Are you saying that you've never dreamed about finishing off the entire buffet table at Ponderosa's every day for the rest of your life while maintaining a trendy, waifish appearance?  Doesn't the irony of being a starving glutton appeal to you?

Hold on, wait a sec..  So you're saying that you've never had fantasies about bulimia?  Ever?  Are you saying that it's just me, and that you think that I'm a freak of nature for having these types of daydreams, and that you'd like me to stop talking about it because I'm scaring you?

Oh.  Well then.  Er, nevermind.  Forget I mentioned it.  Go Colts!

Reading this makes me want to toss my index