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Whatever you do, don't shoot the President!
by Chief of Security

Welcome, all of you, to your first briefing as security personnel to The President of the United States. We don't have much time, so this will be your last briefing as well. I know you are all a little green, but we need you out there in about 15 minutes. And besides, it's a simple job, you're just going to stand there most of the time anyway looking cool in your sunglasses.

Why do we need you so soon? Well, since The President enacted his "Fuck the Little People Big-Business Initiative," people have been taking a lot of pot-shots at him and we've been running low on bodyguards. Lucky for George that liberals can't shoot worth a damn. Anyhow, you guys were the best we could find at such short notice. Consider the last team's death your opportunity, fellas.

OK, here's the basics. You need to stand around the president. You need to wear these black suits and sunglasses at all times. Yes, if you want to impress your girlfriend you can take it home afterward. Your suit has a few holes in it? Well, you're actually wearing the suits that the last team was using. Look, here's a sewing kit, patch those up while I do the rest of the briefing.

OK, we're going to give you all guns. Yes, I know they're shiny. You're going to be using these guns to defend your President against would-be assassins. So if you see someone pull a gun on The President, shoot him. Don't pull your gun out before then. And whatever you do, DON'T SHOOT THE PRESIDENT!

What do you mean, "Why?" Just DON'T. Under no circumstances are you going to be shooting The President. You are the "bodyguards," so it would look really bad on your resume. Trust me. So just shoot whoever is shooting at The President.

What if The President pulls a gun on himself? Yes, technically then the President is his own assassin, but you still wouldn't shoot him to protect him from himself. That's a nasty paradox you came up with there, Bubba, I'm impressed. Nevertheless, let me solve your intellectual dilemma with this rule of thumb: if it is The President, don't shoot him. Got it? Alright, moving on.

Shit, we're out of time. Um, ok a few more things quickly. Put these recievers in your ears and these radios in your pockets. They don't actually work, but it looks more professional. Remember not to stand directly in front of the podium so The President can be visible to the cameras. OK, good luck guys, break a leg.

Sigh. Third crew this week. I feel like I'm sending lambs to the slaughter.


 We put the Ass in Assassination