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They Do A Good Job Targeting Those Babies
by Invisible Girl

As much as I hate babies, I can't help but marvel at the effective way companies sell to them. From toys to teats, advertising for the 0-3 year old market has been amazing.

Take Pampers commercials, for instance. The last one I saw depicted babies reenacting a Shakespearean play, only the subject matter was drinking lots and lots of juice. What baby wouldn't want to drink lots and lots of juice? For that matter, what baby wouldn't want diapers that absorb twice as much blue liquid as the other leading brands? The advertisers are hitting right on the mark.

Or for another fine example, take a look at the baby picture books by Anne Geddes. Her publications depict babies in the prime of their youth decked out in the latest baby fashions, from giant daffodil hats to bee suits. Her books give babies exactly what they want: attractive young babies in sexy costumes (or even nude!). The books aren't cluttered up with "articles" or "words," because the publishers know that babies don't want to see "language." Babies want to see other babies dressed in bee suits, and that's exactly what they get.

My criticism is that some advertisers are taking advantage of babies' negligible capacity for thought and total lack of life experience to sell them products they just don't need. Promises like fluffy clouds to sit on or baby wipes that release magical freshness lure unsuspecting babies into unwise purchases.

Michelin tire ads, for instance, depict babies sitting in sideways tires, having a fabulous time as they zip down the highway. Riding around in a sideways tire is every baby's dream, so imagine the disappointment when the baby finds out that the tires merely lie on the ground being rubbery. Was there a message in the ad saying, "Warning: Tires do not actually float and take babies on magical rides?" Nope. Sounds like fraudulent advertising to me.

Another company I take issue with is Fisher Price. Many of their products are depicted as "making things come alive" for babies. When a Disney rotating mobile is hung above the crib, Mickey and his friends jump out and dance around, giving the baby extreme pleasure and satisfaction. Fisher Price doesn't bother to mention that in reality, the mobile is just going to hang above their heads and rotate, keeping them only mildly amused. The promise of dancing cartoon characters dupes them; time and time again they make purchases on their Visa Jr. cards that never get them what they really want.

What I'm trying to say is this: stop lying to the babies and give them what they're paying for. Babies are morons that will believe anything commercials tell them, and that's why we need to protect the interests of those little retards. So give them the fluffy clouds, goddammit.

 Hit me baby one more time