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Why Are Babies Such Morons All The Time?
by Invisible Girl

Babies are so ridiculously stupid.  My immense intellect cannot begin to comprehend why God created such stupid, stupid creatures.  Clearly God must have thought to impress us by having such pathetic imbeciles such as babies develop into fine intellectuals such as myself.  The miracle of birth or whatever.  Well, I'll tell you, I'm not impressed.  God didn't need to make babies this stupid all the time.

My other theory is that babies start out cute and stupid, and as time progresses the cuteness gets converted through complex chemical processes into intellect.  But that theory sucks because, well, look at me.  Damn I'm pretty!

I had not known before what morons babies were!  It was only through this last-minute baby-sitting job I had to do for one of my neighbors that I discovered the true idiocy of babies.  Certainly I could not have been this stupid when I was nine months old.  Perhaps it is only this particular baby that has such severe mental retardation.  I don't have a particularly large sampling size in this case, after all.

For one thing, babies can't do even the most basic of tasks.  It can't tie its shoes, walk correctly, or use the bathroom.  It can't even operate a microwave!  Making a TV dinner is the easiest thing to do, and a baby can't even do that.  We're talking mind-blowing idiocy here.

Or take driving, for instance.  Just yesterday I wanted to go to Borders to pick up some Sartre but I was feeling really lazy so I decided to let the baby drive.  It shouldn't have been a challenging task:  the car is an automatic, for Christ's sake!  And the baby's legs weren't even long enough to hit the pedals and work the steering wheel at the same time.  Lame.  So needless to say, we got into an accident.  I was fine because I had my seat belt on, but stupid little baby hadn't put his on because he needed to work the gas, so he got a little head wound.  Real bright, chowderhead!

So I take over and drive the stupid little baby to the hospital, and you know what?  When the baby meets the doctors, he doesn't tell the doctors what's wrong!  He just lies there, squirming and screaming and bleeding over the table like a little doofus.  That's another thing I learned about babies:  they can't form simple sentences even if their life depended on it.  So of course, I had to explain everything that happened for the baby.  And as the doctor, the nerve of that guy!  He started blaming me for everything that happened, and said he's going to turn me in for gross negligence.  The only thing that's gross about this situation is how grossly stupid this baby is.  And this baby's retardedness was going to put me in jail!  Dammit!

But I was willing to turn a few tricks, so it was fine.  Afterwards we bandaged the baby up and I took him home.

That's when it got worse.  So when we get back it's still sunny and warm, so I go up to the roof with the baby to do some naked sunbathing.  So we're up on the roof and my tan is just about perfect, and stupid little moron baby crawls to the edge of the roof and falls off!  The little retard breaks his neck!  Sooo dumb!  So then I'm really worried about what dummy-kid's done to me.  Plus, I can't find where I put my suntan lotion, and that makes me even more tense about the situation.

Lucky for me that I'm really smart.  So I bury stupidhead in the backyard, and when his parents come home I just tell them that while they were gone, little Edward was taken and eaten by wild dogs.

I'm telling you, babies are such morons.  Luckily, so are most humans.

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