Why Are Babies Such Morons All The Time?
by Invisible Girl
Babies are so ridiculously stupid. My immense intellect cannot
begin to comprehend why God created such stupid, stupid creatures.
Clearly God must have thought to impress us by having such pathetic imbeciles
such as babies develop into fine intellectuals such as myself. The
miracle of birth or whatever. Well, I'll tell you, I'm not impressed.
God didn't need to make babies this stupid all the time.
My other theory is that babies start out cute and stupid, and as time
progresses the cuteness gets converted through complex chemical processes
into intellect. But that theory sucks because, well, look at me.
Damn I'm pretty!
I had not known before what morons babies were! It was only through
this last-minute baby-sitting job I had to do for one of my neighbors that
I discovered the true idiocy of babies. Certainly I could not have
been this stupid when I was nine months old. Perhaps it is only this
particular baby that has such severe mental retardation. I don't
have a particularly large sampling size in this case, after all.
For one thing, babies can't do even the most basic of tasks. It
can't tie its shoes, walk correctly, or use the bathroom. It can't
even operate a microwave! Making a TV dinner is the easiest thing
to do, and a baby can't even do that. We're talking mind-blowing
Or take driving, for instance. Just yesterday I wanted to go to
Borders to pick up some Sartre but I was feeling really lazy so I decided
to let the baby drive. It shouldn't have been a challenging task:
the car is an automatic, for Christ's sake! And the baby's legs weren't
even long enough to hit the pedals and work the steering wheel at the same
time. Lame. So needless to say, we got into an accident.
I was fine because I had my seat belt on, but stupid little baby hadn't
put his on because he needed to work the gas, so he got a little head wound.
Real bright, chowderhead!
So I take over and drive the stupid little baby to the hospital, and
you know what? When the baby meets the doctors, he doesn't tell the
doctors what's wrong! He just lies there, squirming and screaming
and bleeding over the table like a little doofus. That's another
thing I learned about babies: they can't form simple sentences even
if their life depended on it. So of course, I had to explain everything
that happened for the baby. And as the doctor, the nerve of that
guy! He started blaming me for everything that happened, and said
he's going to turn me in for gross negligence. The only thing that's
gross about this situation is how grossly stupid this baby is. And
this baby's retardedness was going to put me in jail! Dammit!
But I was willing to turn a few tricks, so it was fine. Afterwards
we bandaged the baby up and I took him home.
That's when it got worse. So when we get back it's still sunny
and warm, so I go up to the roof with the baby to do some naked sunbathing.
So we're up on the roof and my tan is just about perfect, and stupid little
moron baby crawls to the edge of the roof and falls off! The little
retard breaks his neck! Sooo dumb! So then I'm really worried
about what dummy-kid's done to me. Plus, I can't find where I put
my suntan lotion, and that makes me even more tense about the situation.
Lucky for me that I'm really smart. So I bury stupidhead in the
backyard, and when his parents come home I just tell them that while they
were gone, little Edward was taken and eaten by wild dogs.
I'm telling you, babies are such morons. Luckily, so are most
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