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Pilot Episode for TV Show, "Everybody Loves God"
by Bayard Russell


(SCENE 1: The High Kingdom of Heaven. GOD is sitting at the kitchen table, looking depressed and sighing audibly. HOLY GHOST enters.)

HOLY GHOST: Hey God. Wassssuuuuupppp!

GOD: Oh, it's you. Hi Holy Ghost.

HOLY GHOST: What's wrong? You're looking a little sad today, aren't you. (Rubs God's shoulders)

GOD: Yeah, I'm feeling a little lonely.

HOLY GHOST: Lonely? But I'm here.

GOD: Yeah, but you're me. Hanging out with myself isn't exactly like having company.

HOLY GHOST: That's true...But what about Jesus? He's you as well, but he's also the Son of Man you know.

GOD: Yes, I am all-knowing. But Jesus is out today. He's taking Tai Chi lessons from Buddha.

HOLY GHOST: Buddha? Gah. I don't like that skinny little man, he's always acting like he knows something I don't. And he smells funny. I'm not entirely comfortable with Jesus hanging out with him.

GOD: Oh, Buddha is fine. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

HOLY GHOST: That's true. How about the angels?

GOD: If I spend one more century with those angels I'm going to End All Existence. They're such brownnosers.

HOLY GHOST: Hmm...Hey, if you're lonely why don't you build more humans and have a chat with them? You used to get a kick out of that.

GOD: I'm done with the whole creation thing. Those little monkeys are having a fine time building themselves anyway. Plus, you can't have a decent conversation with a human. 100 years and Pfft!, they fall apart.

HOLY GHOST: Shouldn't have made them out of clay, if you wanted them to stick around.

GOD: I know, I know.

HOLY GHOST: You are all-knowing.

GOD: Me-damn it! I'm so bored! There's got to be something I can do to while away the rest of eternity.

HOLY GHOST: Well, you know, there's someone you haven't hung out with for a while...

GOD: Him? I dunno. I did cast him out of Heaven for warring upon my Kingdom. Makes it kind of awkward, inviting him back.

HOLY GHOST: So why don't you go to his place? I've been told it's quite cozy.

GOD: Hmm. Okay, sure. What do I have to lose?

(GOD gets up and leaves the Kingdom of Heaven. HOLY GHOST looks satisfied, then looks around forlornly.)

HOLY GHOST: Now what am I going to do...I guess I can go find some church dances and see if there's any children I can be between.

(HOLY GHOST exits cheerfully.)

(SCENE TWO: The Fiery Pits of Hell. SATAN is sitting in a lawn chair drinking a Faygo and listening to music on his walkman)

SATAN: (singing to self in tuneless way) I get knocked down, but I get up again, you never gonna keep me down I get...

(GOD enters sheepishly.)

SATAN: Oh God. It's you!

GOD: Um, well, yes. Hello Satan. How have you been?

SATAN: Hey, just fine, just dandy! Never been better! Please, have a seat! (He points and another lawn chair appears.

GOD: Thank you. (sits)

SATAN: So, what brings you to the Fiery Pits of Hell?

GOD: Oh, just checking in. We haven't talked for, I dunno, a thousand years or so, so I thought I'd stop by and say hi.

SATAN: Well, I'm glad you did. Want a soda? I've got Faygo, Moxie, Tab...

GOD: Do you have any sodas that aren't Evil?

SATAN: Well, this IS hell...

GOD: Right. I knew that. Um, I guess I'll have a Tab. Don't worry, I'll get it myself. (The can appears in his hand.)

SATAN: Anyway, it's great to see you! How's your Holy Ghost doing?

GOD: She's fine. I believe she's hovering between Becky and Tommy at the Trinity Methodist Church Dance Mixer right now.

SATAN: That's great! And Jesus?

GOD: He's fully recovered from Dying for the sins of Man. He's been good. He's learning some of that New Age stuff from Buddha.

SATAN: Very cool, very cool. Want something to eat? I've got finger sandwiches.

GOD: I'm not even going to touch those.

SATAN: Ha ha, you caught me! You always were a step ahead of the game.

GOD: Well, yes. Hey listen, Satan, I know this might sound strange, but...do you still hate me?

SATAN: Hate you? No way! We're totally cool.

GOD: Really? I would have thought that whole war, and me winning that bet about Job, and...

SATAN: No no no, nothing could be farther from Truth. Casting me down here has been the best thing that's ever happened to me! I didn't feel that way at the time, but I see now that this is all that I wanted.

GOD: Really? I mean, of course.

SATAN: I think it was really hard living with you and the angels in the Kingdom of Heaven. I just needed my own space. So moving out and living at my own place...well that and tortuing sinners for all eternity, really put me in my element. I've really mellowed out over these centuries, and I feel like I really owe it all to you.

GOD: Wow...thanks, that means a lot.

SATAN: I mean, check this place out! It's tropical weather all the time, and it's full of interesting people. The sinners are the interesting ones, you know.

GOD: Um, I suppose that's true.

SATAN: And I've been expanding the place significantly over the years. You've noticed how many more mortals end up here than in Heaven, right? Well, my realm has expanded to take on the influx. I mean, at this point Hell is larger than Heaven and Earth combined!

GOD: Well, I'll be, you're right! (to self) I probably should do something about that...

SATAN: Sure, there are times I get frustrated, and feel like I want to destroy you and your stupid roody-poo candy-ass Heaven...but then I just go and rip the bowels out of a sinner, heal him up, and do it again. And that's when I remember how fun it is to be The Devil, and I feel really good about my eternal life.

GOD: You rip the bowels out of people for fun?

SATAN: Sure! It's great cardio. And they totally deserve it. When you read the sorts of things some of these little monkeys have done, it makes me look like an angel.

GOD: Well, you were an angel.

SATAN: True that. Hey, you wanna go torture some child molesters with me?

GOD: (Taken aback) What? Me, torture people? Like, with my own hands? I don't know about that.

SATAN: C'mon, try it! You came down here because you were bored right? Well, here's something new to do. These people are totally deserving of God's wrath. And it'd blow off some steam.

GOD: Well, I do need to relax...and they have committed great sins for which they should be punished for all eternity...Okay, let's do it!

SATAN: Great! C'mon, I'll take you to the tool room, I've got some great things you can use...

(GOD and SATAN exit, SATAN putting his arm around GOD's shoulders and explaining things to him inaudibly as they walk off.)

(SCENE 3: Montage of SATAN and GOD torturing souls and having fun shenanigans. They're playful and laughing with each other, and seem to be having a great time.)

(SCENE 4: GOD and SATAN return to the lawn chairs, looking a little wiped.)

GOD: Wooo! Yeah! Me, that was fun! I haven't had that good of a time since Noah's Ark!

SATAN: And you're really good at torturing sinners! I'm telling you, you're a natural at it -- your technique is without equal, I was burning with envy you know.

GOD: (Blushing) Well, I am all-powerful...Oh, if only I could do this all the time!

SATAN: Well, we could trade for a while...

GOD: ... Really?

SATAN: Why not? We could trade places for a week. I'll rule the Kingdom of Heaven, and you rule Hell, and then next Thursday we'll switch back. What do you say?

GOD: That sounds fun. All right, it's a d...HEY!

SATAN: What?

GOD: You tried to trick me!

SATAN: Um...no I didn't.

GOD: Yes, you did! You buttered me up and showed me a good time, and I almost fell for it! I almost handed over my Kingdom voluntarily, just so I could sit on a lawnchair in the pits of Hell drinking Faygo and driving hot pokers through the chests of ax murderers! I can't believe I almost did that!

SATAN: (Grinning) Couldn't pull a fast one on you, eh? You're just too quick for me!

GOD: Oh Satan, you're such a worm. (They share a good laugh.) But listen, I gotta go. I need to get home so I can cook dinner. The Holy Ghost has trouble doing it herself, being intangible and all. But anyway, I had a great time, and if you don't mind I'd love to drop in later.

SATAN: Oh, anytime My Lord. The doors of hell are always open.

GOD: I should hope not! There'd be such a draft, you heating bill would go through the roof! (They both chuckle heartily and God pats Satan on the back.) Okay, I'm off. Take care Lucifer!

(GOD leaves)

SATAN: And you take care as well, God. (His broad grin morphs into a cruel smirk) For this is not the last you've seen of me. I swear on Your Name, someday I will destroy you and your nancy-boy angels and that hippie son of yours, and the Kingdom of Heaven will be mine. And all will cower before me! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!



See Also:

Breakfast with Jesus



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