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Last Desecrated: Thursday, 2 October, 2003, 11:31 GMT 12:31 UK
Matrix Revolutions Way Too Early In the Morning
The Matrix Reloaded
Neo teaches his best buddies the Electric Slide...with sexy results
The Matrix Revolutions is to be released at exactly the same time in cities across the world next month, according to reports.

Industry newspaper Variety says this will mean a 6am start for fans in Los Angeles, 9am in New York, 2pm in London, 5pm in Moscow and 11pm in Tokyo on November 5.

It is the first time a film has been released in this way. The release of The Matrix Revolutions this early in the morning is expected to bring productivity rates in the United States and Britain crashing down as hundreds of bored office employees call in 'sick' in order to catch the release as soon as possible. "To clarify," said a studio spokesman, "We only expect this productivity decrease in the computer industry. I mean, who goes to see a movie at 6 in the morning? I can't even speak a recognizable language at that time of day let alone enjoy the thrilling kung fu action that this film promises."

"I mean has," he added. "Not promises. Has. Thrilling."

Distributors Warner Brothers say it is to capitalise on the final part of the trilogy's popularity and to ward off piracy.

"The zero hour simultananeous opening of Revolutions once again positions the Matrix films as the cutting edge experience in motion pictures," said Warner Brothers spokesman Dan Fellman.

"Wait," Fellman continued. "I forgot what ' motion picture experience' means again, didn't I. The quality of a film has nothing to do with what time it's released into theaters does it? Crap."

"I get credit for using the phrase zero hour though, don't I? That was pretty exciting. It's zero hour! Hora Cero!... Please don't fire me," he concluded.

The Matrix Revolutions is the final instalment of the successful sci-fi trilogy starring Keanu Reeves and Hugo Weaving.

Large screen

The second film, The Matrix Reloaded, was a box office hit around the world despite sucking more penis that a rabid, prostitute leech in a dick-sucking contest and disappointment among some fans.

The Matrix Revolutions will open in 65 countries and will debut in Imax cinemas in the US on the same day as standard cinemas, thus fulfilling the second sign of the impending apocalypse.

Imax Corporation, which owns the technology behind the format, struck a deal with Warner Bros and the devil to simultaneously show the film on 5 November.

It will be the first time a Hollywood blockbuster has been released in two formats at the same time for the different-sized screens.

Imax offers both 2D and Imax 3D images on curved screens up to 10 storeys high, using the latest film technology.

The Matrix Reloaded opened in Imax cinemas three weeks after its general release earlier this year. Imax Corporation offered its sincerest apologies regarding its part in helping bring about the end of the world.



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