Personality Types Explained: Enneagrams

An enneagram, according to my sources (Google), is a circle with nine equidistant points connected with equidistant lines. Appropriately, the Enneagram Personality Test has nine basic personality types. That's all you need to know to understand this remarkably simple yet powerful time-wasting tool. Basically.

When I was in college and in sore need of career guidance, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. After answering hundreds of questions about myself, the counsellor told me I was an INFP, to which I replied, "Wow! This counsellor totally knows me!" Well, of course she knew me -- I told her who I was when I took the test. Enneagrams gave me a similar sensation at first: when I took the free Enneagram Personality Quiz off of the Enneagram Institute's website and it told me my type, I said to myself, "Wow! This test totally knows me too!"

Now, you could take the quiz yourself to figure out what Enneagram Personality Type you are, but you would be wasting your time. I'll let you in on a secret: all personality tests simply ask you who you are, and then tell it back to you. So you might as well just skip the questions and read the descriptions of the personality types at the end of the quiz, and when you find the one that describes you say, "Wow! This test totally knows me!" But better yet, don't even read the descriptions, I'll just do it for you and you can read my summaries of them. Below, for your own edification and personal development purposes, are the Enneagram Personality Types. Enjoy.

TYPE 1: Reformer
If you're a Reformer, you're most likely very irritating. You've got this holier-than-thou attitude and you're extremely judgemental and opinionated. People tend not to like you. Does this sound familiar?

TYPE 2: Helper
Helpers tend to be very irritating. You're always trying to be martyrs, sacrificing yourselves in this very obvious way and then acting as if people owe you something for your "help." You people are just jerks pretending to be nurturing, caring human beings. Hypocrites, all of you.

TYPE 3: Achiever
Have you ever seen American Psycho starring Christian Bale? If so, you know what Achievers are like. You wear suits and vie for the corner office by day, and then at night you go out and kill homeless people. And you're really, really good looking. I love you.

TYPE 4: Individualist
If you're an Individualist, you're a really cool guy. Most likely, you are doing creative things such as drawing webcomics, or writing articles about personality tests. You are an amazing person.

TYPE 5: Investigator
Investigators are complete nerds. You spend all your time trying to understand life when you should be out there living it. Don't you know that knowledge is useless? If there's one thing I learned from my 17 years of schoolin', it's that knowledge is a complete waste of time.

TYPE 6: Loyalist
If you're a Loyalist, you are pretty creepy. After all, you're basically an emotional leech and a spineless, mindless follower. On the other hand, if you're a Loyalist than you're probably feeling very hurt and ashamed of yourself by the mean things I'm saying. There there, Loyalist, you're a good girl, yes you are.

TYPE 7: Enthusiast
I should call you Enthusiasts by another name: Ferrets. If you're a Ferret, you're excitable, scatterbrained, and impulsive. You basically have no self-control or ability to focus. Good thing that our government decided not to pave our sidewalks in shiny pennies or you'd never be able to walk down the street.

TYPE 8: Challenger
Challengers are mean bullies. You people push others around and take what you want. If you're a Challenger then stay away from me. Or not. Whichever you prefer. Please don't hurt me.

TYPE 9: Peacemaker
If you're a Peacemaker, you're a Colt 45 revolver used to kill Native Americans during the U.S.'s westward expansion. Shame on you. Your make me sick.

Okay, so that last description wasn't very accurate. And this guide is a bit biased against all personality types that aren't mine. And I totally suck. But the fact remains that the Enneagram Personality Test is totally useful in telling you what you already know about yourself. And knowing, my friends, is half the battle. The other half of the battle, of course, is free-market babies.

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