Residents in Wellington, South
Africa, are gibbering in terror at the
arrival of a remarkable addition
to the town - a newborn
two-headed tortoise. "We're all
screwed," stated local resident
Don't let the turtle's apparent size fool you -- the fingers holding it are actually 5 feet across
The tortoise stunned owner Noel
Daniels when it emerged, its two
heads peeping out from its shell and
speaking in an incomprehensible dark
tongue the very sound of which nearly
drove him mad.
The animal has four normal legs,
although the underside of its shell is
flat instead of rounded and holds on its
surface writhing images which somewhat
resemble ancient Mayan and Egyptian
hieroglyphs. "The glyphs appear to be
in some kind of constant torment," stated
noted archaeologist Mayer Ramsey. "But
of course this is impossible as they are simply
writing. Albeit constantly moving writing on the
bottom of a two-headed tortoise's shell."
"Damn my eyes!" wept Ramsey.
Despite its unusual attributes, the tortoise is
"The tortoise is normal and both heads feed on leaves,
the blood of the innocent," Mr Daniels whimpered.
He said it appears that one of the heads controls the
front pair of legs
and the other the back.
"When the tortoise gets a fright, the heads each want to
move in its own
direction, and then the feet get all tangled up," Mr
Daniels said. "This
might be a problem in the wild, except for the tortoise's ability to
as well as the palpable sense of terror and evil my dark mast... er,
exudes at all times."
"Also, it's probably capable of eating souls," he added.
He said the heads have not squabbled because "they're still too little".
"When the tortoise, whose name is Askanarthotep the Terrible, reaches
maturity in a few years, all peace on this world will end. Its heads
on each other and the land will run red with the blood of the fallen
as being eaten away by the acid which will ooze out from
wounds. Finally, one of the heads will die and the other will rule
upon millenia over a world of sheer madness and horror."
"At least that's what I'm told by the tortoise," Daniels stated. "I
quite look forward to it.
It should be a good match and the betting on the winner will be out
of this world. I'm still
trying to work up suitable odds though."
Tortoise expert Dr Ernst Baard, of Cape Nature
Conservation, said the
phenomenon probably occurred during the embryonic stage of
"With proper love and care its chances are not too bad,
but I doubt if any of us speaking
right now will survive the terrible apocalypse which the birth of
this creature heralds."
"May God save us all," he concluded.