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Monday, 26 August, 2002, 10:52 GMT 11:52 UK
Totally Sweet Ninjas attack Congo train
Petrol seller right before getting head cut totally off
The train route is vital for sweet guitar wailing

A train has been attacked and derailed in the southern Pool region of the Republic of Congo, injuring 31, with the number of dead as yet unknown. What is known, is that the dead were killed extremely swiftly and silently.

The government have blamed the attack on so called Ninja rebels, a militia group active during Congo's civil wars of 1997 and 1998, who style themselves on the ancient Japanese warriors. "They do this because ninjas are totally sweet," said a government spokesman.

The derailment occurred when a railway bridge in the town of Loulombo, some 200 km west of the capital, Brazzaville, was destroyed when the Ninja rebels totally flipped out and cut its head off.

Persistent clashes between Ninjas and the Congolese army in the Pool region are proving to be a serious obstacle to peace in the country. "This is due to the fact that the Ninjas outclass the army so much. They just flip out, and the next thing you know, a whole battalion of the army has been stabbed. Or had its head cut off," said the government spokesman. "Did I mention the ninjas are totally sweet?" he added.


The cargo train, which was carrying medical supplies and much needed petrol to the capital, apparently pissed the Ninjas off just by being there and was attacked on Saturday evening, but the information was not made public until late Sunday night. "The train was attacked because the ninjas flip out all the time," commented the spokesman. "We should really redirect the train line or something," he concluded.

President Denis Sassou Nguesso
The attack has gotten President Sassou super pissed
The Pool region has been the scene of sporadic fighting between suspected Ninjas and government forces since April this year, but the Ninjas have consistently defeated the government forces due to their very careful and precise death moves as well as their amazing guitar skills. "The guitars just start wailing totally hard and the next thing you know, another bunch of soldiers have had their heads cut off," said local resident Mbone Impase.

Access to the area has been denied to international aid agencies, causing concern over the condition of an estimated 60,000 internally displaced people in the region. "We are worried that the aid agencies will do something to cause the ninjas to flip out and kill them," explained the government spokesman. "These aid agencies are quite competent, but they are just not prepared for the inhumanly sweet awesomeness that these ninjas represent."


This is the third time the strategic railway link between Congo's oil hub of Pointe-Noir and the capital Brazzaville has been attacked since April.

The disruption has caused a serious shortage of petrol, in what is currently the third largest producer of crude oil in Africa although it has allowed Congo to become the first largest exporter of sweet guitar licks in the region.

Taxi drivers and motorists in the capital are being forced to queue overnight outside petrol stations in order to buy fuel from guys with lots of little glass bottles. "We do not know why he sells us the petrol in glass bottles," commented Thabo Nbaku. "Truly, I wish the ninjas would show up right here and now with their mad hard guitars wailing and cut this man's head off in the name of all that is holy," he added.

This latest attack is a blow to newly inaugurated President Denis Sassou-Nguesso, who is keen to show that Congo Brazzaville has emerged from a decade of civil wars into a state of peace and stability, and attract much needed foreign investment to open a ninja-land theme park.

Pascale Harter reporting for Focus on Africa
"The government has still not disclosed the number of lives claimed in the incident"
See also:

02 Apr 02 | Africa
27 May 02 | Africa
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11 Aug 00 | Africa
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