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Wednesday, 11 September, 2002, 01:07 GMT 02:07 UK
Colombian police get extra powers
Colombian soldiers arrest a teenage member of Farc (as in Farc you mon!)
Rebel soldiers are strangely drawn to their superhero captive's stunning pink pants.
The Colombian Government has announced new powers to detain without warrants, restrict travel and fly using really awesome psychic levitation in the latest move in its offensive against leftist guerrillas.

The new super-powers- which are the result of dangerous and unique chemical/genetic experimentation - were given to police under the power of a state of emergency declared by President Alvaro Uribe just five days after he took experimental vitamins which blessed him with the strength of ten men and a powerful acid breath attack.

President Alvaro Uribe
Rebel explosions during Uribe's inauguration left ugly stains that need the advanced cleaning power of Tide
They are the strongest moves yet in Mr Uribe's hardline campaign platform to put an end to more than three decades of bloodshed, in which thousands are killed every year. "The rebels were clearly over-powered," commented Bogota in a statement to the press. "They had at least 40 of their own super-humans, not to mention the titanic alien Kal-Zul who is a match for any normal team of heroes."

Mr Uribe (now called simply, El Presidente) had already ordered an expansion of the country's police and military, to try and wrest back control of the half Colombian territory in the hands of the guerrillas and right-wing paramilitaries. "This was just the next logical step in our efforts to protect the good citizens of Colombia," commented El Presidente, hovering above a group of journalists outside the Presidente-cave. "We have not decided whether to give the new recruits a choice of spandex colors or simply have them all wear the same super-outfits to denote their team affiliation," he added.

The new powers will allow:

  • X-ray vision to better search dangerous packages, vehicles, and to see through the dense canopy of the rain-forest. Also, to allow police to recognize male rebels disguised as women.

  • Armored skin, so powerful and resistant it will be able to stop a hail of machine-gun bullets.

  • Totally awesome telepathy allowing government agents to sense the fear of their enemies and hunt that fear to its source, like fucking super-powered bloodhounds or something.

  • Atomic fists that can deliver crushing blows so mighty that even the rebels hover-tanks will be unable to withstand more than a few punches before falling to pieces.

"We've been tardy in taking measures of this nature," Defence Minister Martha Lucia Ramirez told parliament, according to the Associated Press news agency.

"I wanted to give the security forces sweet laser vision years ago so that they could burn holes in people and stuff like that, but El Presidente said that no one needs laser vision. He thought the Atomic Fists project would be more useful and sounded cooler."

"I still think laser vision would have been totally sweet. And maybe extra arms or the ability to shoot fireballs. Yeah, that would rock." she concluded.

The BBC's Jeremy McDermott
"The number of professional soldiers is being doubled"

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