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Tuesday, 21 January, 2003, 22:49 GMT
Anastacia's Perfect Breasts in Danger
United States pop singer Anastacia has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
The busty 29-year-old was diagnosed with the disease at the weekend and is set to have surgery to remove a lump from the amazing mammaries which have contributed so much both to her career and to the music-loving community at large. But she has vowed to work through the illness and doctors have caught the disease in its early stages. "It's really good that we caught it this early," said Anastacia's doctor. "As it stands, she'll probably end up having a tiny little scar. If the cancer had gone undetected, I might have had to perform a mastectomy." "I don't know if I could force myself to do that," he added. "I mean, have you seen them?"
She said: "My doctor was insistent that I have a mammogram (during a routine check-up last week) even though it was not required. He saved my life. Actually, he always insists that I have a mammogram. He's amazingly thorough about making sure I'm healthy. Right down to doing touch checks himself. He's so dedicated. "I appreciate all who are concerned, but please don't worry. Either way I have no intention of letting this news get me down. "I'm a large-chested, white-skinned R&B sensation by nature, and nothing will ever change that." To show his support for the starlet, U.S. President George W. Bush vowed to do everything in his power to protect the national treasure of Anastacia's bosoms. "I am not a sophisticateronical man," stated Bush. "But I am from Texas and as such I know all about breasts, or as they are colloquially known; hooters. It would be a failure of our new national security policy to allow anything to happen to the twin monuments to American freedom that are Anastacia's pom-poms." "I am therefore prepared to send troops to Anastacia's chestal region in order to defend her from the ravages of this horrible disease from nipples to sternum. If we fail to protect something as important as these firm, ripe melons then the terrorists have already won." "Damn," the President concluded. Gary Farrow, UK vice president of Anastacia's record label Sony, told The Sun newspaper that it was "business as usual" for the star and she would be fulfilling her work commitments, including shooting a video for her next single. "This will be accomplished in spite of the troop deployment," Farrow said. "I understand that at least one thousand brave American sailors have already volunteered to to be sent to the Anastacia's breasts theater of operations."
Anastacia found fame after her strong voice ensured fans took notice of her music. Her solidly male fan-base has repeatedly stated that they respect her for her art and that her looks have nothing to do with their love. When first told of her breast cancer, fans were saddened by the news before getting a glazed look in their eye at the mention of the word breast, then shaking their heads and asking if there was anything the star needed for her breasts to feel happier and less endangered by cancer. "Anything you need me to do," said one fan in San Francisco so overcome by emotion that he was unable to look Anastacia in the eye. "Hard" to market But it took many years for record companies to notice her talent, with many believing her distinctive sound would be too hard to market. She was finally signed after Sony bosses saw her cleavage on MTV's The Cut. "Demo tapes don't come with pictures," clarified Farrow. "Does anyone know if she even has a last name?" he concluded; speaking to the room at large. She has since released two albums, Not That Kind and Freak of Nature. Her single Boom! was chosen as a World Cup anthem in 2002, which she performed at the closing ceremony in Japan while dressed as a school-girl. The Chicago film soundtrack also features a track from Anastacia, Love is a Crime - a song inspired by the musical and her amazing ta-tas. |
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